I'm selfish, i guess. I've never really had that sort of an outburst, as in the last post.
Yesterday was a fiasco. Had gone to zazu's birthday. MEt up with some old friends, and we had a gala time, still, i really didn't have much fun. Something was missing. We drank, we ate, all that. Threw mousse cake at everyone, and took photos with our faces smeared with cream. That part was funny. Really felt happy then.
We wanted to plan a trip to wonder la, and turns out most of us wouldn't be free then. Me and zokra made some crappy gifts, putting some nonsense stuff and wrapping it with loads of newspaper to make it appear big. And the last gift was the actual one. zazu, me, zokra and gugo in a pic. And zokra modified our faces. My face had hair all over, excepting my eyes. But we looked sooooooo man-like. Nice gift.
I remember heading home, in the rain, feeling heady, thanks to all that drink. I remember flopping on the bed. And reading all the "love ya!" messages i'd got. How freely some people express love, i just can't seem to do so.
Wonder why i drank. I'm not a drinker. And the smell makes me sick. Mom was meditating. Bro was on the comp. That wasn't the welcome i expected.
Really feeling woozy, and after changing to dry clothes, i'd logged onto the computer, thinking i'd get some silence. I forgot, i'm a counsellor. People forget i'm a friend first, i'm here for support, i'm not here to keep giving you the answers.
The moment i logged onto chat, i'm bombarded, no heed to my plea for some silence. I don't blame them completely, i hardly ever get angry.
An alarming 14 people asking me what they should do. If there's one thing i don't want, i don't want to be an online counsellor. Cause by the time you make your point, your hands and eyes are physically exhausted.
I cracked underneath. I wanted to rn away from all this chaos. And that's when i remembered me telling my friend to be a fighter. And yea, i'm a fighter too. OF course i can fight. I'm a warrior.
I pushed them all away, didn't care what they felt. My bad. They're all kids. I needed to be with myself for sometime.
I'd met this lady on my flight while returning to b'lore fom mumbai. We really bonded. And she's who i talked to. 3 hours.
She understands me so perfectly. I was so amazed! I'd normally talk to my friends, but experience says they're not asvisors. "We're all here for suport, and we help, but give us a problem, and we'll help you find the solution, but we wont give it to you." I like that about them, they make me reliant, and more realistic.
The only woman i've talked my problems out with is my mom. But this time, i called this lady. And she did what she did best. She listened, she heard me out, she waited till all that anger came out. I like what she told me.
She told me how it felt to have a child come to her for help. And that's how it should be each time.
I'm re-reading chicken soup.
"How did your day go?" dad asks, as soon as he gets home.
"nanna irundhidhu, just not feeling like myself" i reply.
"Something wrong?" mom asks, across the dinner table.
Not really, not anymore. I'm fine. And so is the lady from the plane. Mom must never know about this...NOT!
That evening, dad decided that my grand's needed me. And thence sprouted a plan to send me there... i'd pleaded and pleaded. And finally i'm going by train. I'd wanted to go alone, but now, i'm going with a cousin.
I'm not looking forward to this trip. ohhh.....i hear you ask "WWWWHHHYYYYYY?"
It's pretty obvious.
Chat with Zula. Beep.
