Gosh! Part I

I missed blogging!

Hello blogger! I'm listening to the Chariots of fire music now....damn pleasing to hear!

HOw is everything going on? There's so much i have to say!!!! It's been almost 6 months since college started.

I made new friends, duuuh..... seniors, P.U students, and classmates too, obviously.
Let me introduce my gang- My closest pals here--- too many to mention... will definetly mention them when the time comes.... We're all pretty close, i guess.... Just that we bond in different ways. And that's the silver lining.

My Seniors....ummm there are really too many.... QUite a few them are committed. Here, dating is fun, and just so cute. I've seen the messages of this didi, and boy, and i just go "aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"

They're really romantic.

College is fun, sleeping, cellphones ringing, messaging in class, answering questions, late studying, fudging, joking with the teachers, music, dance, it's just normal.

I get to go home every month or so, so i do got the best of both worlds. Sometimes, i miss my parents. I miss my old friends too. No one at college is like them, Funnily, Bhanu's the only one who's really keeping in touch. I met her today.

A lot of blood has already been shed at college. Not only during experiments... you get my point, don't you?

Where do i begin? How do i begin? So much is still the same, yet so much is different!

So, just the basics first.... I'm staying in hostel over there....at SSCASR. It's nearby the ashram. We've got 6 people in each room, it's all shuffled up...not like northies with the northies or stuff like that.... And there, my bed. THe bunker, nearby the window, in the center of the room, having the only plug point which worked, and my room, with 5 other unique amazing people.

They didn't come all at once, just one at a time....
It was fun, in the beginning, just used my socialising techniques to the fullest extent. And stayed AWAY from the guys. I dunno exactly why, but my appearance was pretty embarrasing. I had a lot of weighty issues, being the only sumo wrestler in the class.... But yea, i was targeted. Bangalorean, nice, sweet, easy to talk to, could understand quite a few languages... yup yup, enough of praise Zula....

Seriously, it's true! My bed was filled with people every night. Playing chess, laughing, taking pics and videos, enjoying the newly found freedom, gossipping, talking about our stories, getting to know each other.... My bed has experienced a lot!

It was filled with phones, chargers, snacks, books, people, and DIRT! Everyone had to bring their dirty feet and rub it all over my bedsheet, ...everyday i had to clean it..!!!! AARgh!

I liked it there. Sometimes i missed the silence of my room, the scenes i could see in my neighbour's room... :P, my parents, Vinnysan, my old friends.. oh yea. None of my pals here were like them.... I had to speak in hindi! It's not that difficult, but yea.... the hinglish that i was speaking sucked.

I was popular. Being nominated for class rep, but i refused. I cannot handle all that responsibility. Really.... It's too much of a headache!

So, i had a nice gang of friends....we were jolly, the guys were ok ok( a lot less than my expectations, but passable).. i had parents who came and visited every week with my usual snacks supply, and other stuff... DUH! , and my seniors were hostile at first..but yea, sure, after the intro's and stuff, they were awesome!!!

Umm, another thing i have got to mention is that there was a lotta groupism. Mallus and mallus, northie boys, northie girls.... None were together, unless by chance... Sad!
But yea, it's at times like those when people like me get most benefit.

I talked to everyone, got to know a lot of stuff, you know, girl gossip.
Flirting began. Not me, i so don't flirt.. but the others? quite a few had begun, it was normal...but yea, the guys... so wierd...THESE girls and THESE guys? So incompatible!!

In between, we'd have our catfights, and wierd funny things, we'd take wierd photos and videos... and our special moments..

Seriously, i am at a loss of words, for once, considering i could be able to beat the guinness record for the most words spoken in a minute....

There were loads of events - The shishyopanana, The cultural fest, the Sports Fest, The avyuveda academy fest, then New years, valentine's day, oh yea, before that, we had navaraathri, and diwali, then our internals, there's sooo much to talk about!!!

See? THis is what happens when you create sooo much of a backlog! You should have typed everytime you came home... Even you have difficulty typing the way you used to!

How stupid, i couldn't! I didn't even have time to breathe when i came here... how could i have sat and typed out whatever i want to type?

dumb blogger... i'm not a robot.

So, hold on, i'll go refer to my diary...

I had 5 good friends mainly, in the beginning... Chattisgarh, Up1, Up2, Surat, Ernakulam.

Others also existed....but sure, weren't part of my main gang.. they were just, as Mr.G said... timepass, they were just for fun...Sure, we trusted them, only up to a limit.

Soon, i could sense a sort of a dominance in many people. In my own group...or whatever it is called...

Well, let's start from the beginning again, okay?

I can see myself confused when i read the previous crapshit i've typed.

When i first came to the hostel - I was nervous, scared.
I promised myself i'd follow a few rules, which were

- TO be everyone's friend, yet be a good friend to my gang.
- To do my best. TO be the best i could be.
- To study as much as was necessary.
- TO not create problems.

The first few days, everything was just too fast, and too slow... Days passed fast, time passed slowly, if you get me.
We went to the ashram, we went to satsang, and we had a gala time. Danced, sang, jumped, laughed, all that stuff. And of course, commented on the other people... duh, we're girls.

I remember when i told them about Mr.G. All of them were like, ooooh Zula, too much, you really are in love with him, and all that.. still, i was so doubtful, didn't know what he felt. Didn't know what he wanted. I was sooo stupid.

My teacher's were okay... i guess. I have these subjects - Padartha Vignan, Ashtaanga Hridaya, Shareera rachana( Anatomy), Shareera Kriya( physiology), Sanskrit, Itihasa, Kannada, constitution, etc...

I have two teachers for PV - outta which one guy loves me, one guy hates me.( He caught me with a ringing mobile on the first day, which is a great first impression)

And then i've got two teachers for AH - they're okay, they somehow have this notion that people who have come through merit have more intelligence than those who came paying the full fees. i think that's stupid.

I've got ummm 5 teachers for anat - They all suck. Except for this lady, all the guys have the hots for her.., and this other guy teacher..he's C.U.T.E!!

Physiology, we have 3 teachers - one of them is a big bitch. THe other two are fantastic...that's why this is one of my easiest subjects...it's sooo fascinating!

Boring stuff, i know, but if i don't tell you, how will you understand? point na?

I remember crying once, cause i felt homesick. Just once. One thing that i could not adjust with, for the first month was the damn indian toilets!!! They were so uncomfy!!! Reminded me of the public toilets, spiders, cobwebs, probably some frog in the hole, eurgh!!

It wasn't that bad, but i hated the place. We had walking everyday, uphill downhill uphill downhill.. oh ya, it used to be torture. From the main road to hostel, we had to walk up this steep road..
It used to be pain, aah pain! But yea, got used to that too...
Life wasn't something totally new there....i had new friends, at that time, it was just Chattisgarh, Up1, Up2, Ernakulam.

Surat made a late entrance. I didn't use the internet at college, it was so bloody slow, and the comp was fucked up with viruses. Until they finally scrapped it all up and put new computers and stuff. Still, the internet's damn slow. I mainly used to go online to see if Mr.G had sent any mail.. which he rarely did... probably once in a week or something.

I missed all the school fun. All the pranks we played, in school, life was different. We ruled the place, all of us were together.

We all spoke English. Here, it was as if i was in a chaotic place. My class was divided. Mallus, northies, guys, girls..and the kannadigas.

I missed my old friends....it was a bit difficult to speak hindi, wake up on my own, study on my own, not many calls, not the same life at all.

I missed talking to them about everything. Sometimes i missed Mr.G too...
My seniors have pretty sensitive ears. Whatever we thought would stay within our batch, just spread like wildfire. Methodically, I eliminated all those i couldn't trust. First, the guys got kicked. Then a few bitches.. bla bla bla, this is not even what i wanted to say...

Soon, more girls started joining the room. Temple girl came, then came Davangere.. Davangere was soo introverted. She just cannot communicate properly. Temple girl is very sweet... she's damn helpful. So, right now, I had 5 girls in my room. All of us thought that the sixth girl would never come... Good for us, one free bed...

Up1 was made the Cr of the class... And this othe dumbo from surat was the guy's Cr.
He was such a sucko.

I thought i'd be able to do some nice reading in the library. The library was filled with just academic stuff, newspapers, lotsa magazines.. BORING! I was not interested in entering that place.

During the first month there... I was with this false sense of happiness. That it was the new life.
That i could start anew again. Soon, i got confused, everyone was smiling, yet, everyone was whispering behind everyone else's back. The best part was, since i was everyone's friend, everyone was also whispering to me. So i knew what was going on. There were rumours about everyone else... There was a rumour about me that i wasn't a virgin... well, it's just stupid.

Another thing. All of my batchmates were talkers talkers talkers. Not one person to listen. Everyone just wanted to voice their opinions. Shout, scream, talk, jabber jabber, it was becoming soo noisy.

I wished that i'd find someone special here. Someone who'd listen, who'd actually converse. Who'd i could rely on.

Chattisgarh and me started becoming close. She hardly knew english. I used to help her out with stuff. We used to study together. Her grasping power was amazing... I finally had an equal to talk to. SHe was good at singing, dancing, everything. She was sensitive, and we used to laugh out all the time.... There was this one song she'd listen to on my phone ALL THE TIME!!! She listened to me. SHe talked to me. We were together. She was soft spoken, and yes, introverted.
But once, you get to know her, she's an absolute sweetheart.

She was also homesick. ONe thing that was different was that she was under a hell lotta tension. Everyday, she would cry. Cause she felt she couldn't study all this, cause she felt she would fail.

I remember waking up almost everyday, and going to the other room to see if the others had woken up, and i'd see her sitting and crying. Every single day we'd calm her down. It was true, i tried to understand she knew all the answers.... but how would she explain them? She didn't know how to communicate..

Every time she answered a question in class, it was in hindi. Her english was bad.

She was my best friend.
It was around this time, that surat chose to come. At first, all i knew was that she was damn clever. And noisy!!

I got along well with her. Only problem was, she hogged my time with chattisgarh. She hogged off up1's time with me. She was funny, enthu, yada yada.. but i started resenting her!! I mean, hello, chattisgarh belongs to me!! Not you!!

Up1 and up2 fought, to make matters worse...they weren't talking to each other. I wasn't happy. I mean, hello! Am i the only person with some sanity?

Chattisgarh was going to leave college. She was going back home. Not even two months were over, and she decided to leave. I cried for so long. Almost everyday i'd cry. She'd try and comfort me. But this was hopeless. And stupid surat. Wouldn't give me one moment alone with her. I didn't have anyone to run to. I didn't have anyone to comfort me. My parents would try to help, but they couldn't do much.. I needed a friend. If anything was wrong, the first person i'd run to was CG. And right now, i couldn't do that... :(((

What could i tell my old pals? THey couldn't help much either. I wanted to wake up from the nightmare. I wanted her to tell me she wouldn't leave.

Oh yea, before this, we'd had our introductions. It was absolute crap.

Our YES+ course began. Cg left on the second day of the course. Funny, everynight, i'd just sit on my bed, and stare at the wall.
I was stuck between up1 and up2.
Didn't know what to do about surat and Cg.
I wanted to run away, for once, i felt so helpless.

THe yes+ course was something i really needed. It was so refreshing. Every evening, we'd sit in the hall, doing crazy things, i felt so great! Absolutely amazing! 50-60 suryanamaskars, kriya, dancing, so much learning... it was brilliant. I didn't know many of my classmates' names, but during this course, i got to know so much about them.

This course was sorta like my leap to be known as the loudspeaker of the class. I got this sorta "hot seat" treatment. And well, to teach me how to let go of the umm, restrictions, that i imposed on myself... i was asked to scream. Yes, scream. In front of everyone. Seriously, you mightthink that's cheap shit, but it isn't. With everyone staring at you as if you're mental to even attempt it...i almost wanted to cry. I wasn't scared or anything...was just embarrased... and then my teacher's like, go on, give your 100%.
I just wanted to get it over with.
I screamed for like 15 secs. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA... you get my point.

But he wasn't satisfied. The next time, i went on for around 45 secs. My face was beet red, i expect. But this time, i wanted to do so much more. I understood what he'd been trying to tell me. Once you give your 100%, nothing else matters. That i had the energy all along. There was so much of fun in doing crazy stuff. And that it was doing ou of the ordinary things that got me appreciation.

I learnt a lot that day. Also since then, me and my teacher had a sort of a special bond. We'd sit and talk a lot. I was so happy that week, every evening from 5 to around 11. It was so cool. WE had 3 teachers for the course, btw. One of the teachers had such a deeeeeeeep voice.. WHenever he made us meditate, his voice would make me get goosebumps!!

I learnt so much during that course. It totally changed what i was doing. I wouldn't say it made me more open, or anything, it just made me better...

So, if only the course had gone on forever... :(((

In college.. (after CG left), I'd asked Surat, simply, who her best friend over here was.... and she quoted the story of me and MrG. (i'm not gonna tell you that here.... or maybe you know it already....) implying that she was me and this person was MrG.... okay....that meant it had to be CG! Duh!

ANd when she stated pretty calmly, that it was me, I was like WTH! ME? How? i mean, almost all the time she used to be with her, laughing, talkign and eating... i mean, we only used to talk on my bed, but everyone else used to do that too...

SHe wrote me a letter( it's private). ANd that's when i realised the truth.

Sad, i so suck at recognizing signs. Seriously.

On the last day of the course, i finally fought with someone. FINALLY.

I fought with up1. She began feeling left out... Cause me and surat were almost always together..(now surat stuck like a magnet) and up2 and ernakulam were the same, and this was because up1 and up2 weren't talking.

Up1 decided to blast me. Okay, bring it on!
You know, during the course, the way i thought about the guys changed.... they weren't half bad at playing uno, and god, the way they dance..... is SO FUNNY!!! They're really good entertainers.....

Then came Navaraathri. We went to the ashram every night. And we danced. Garba!!!!! It was my first time.... i've never danced such kind of steps... it was soo much fun!! right left round clap back twist kick round it's good...and with the daandiyas, it's even better!! It was sorta like the first time the seniors actually mingled with us...they dance sooooo well!!! they're brilliant!!!

I lost weight. :) I have to mention it..

I began resenting my life in the hostel, it was the same thing again and again. Morning, afternoon, evening, night. And the stpid gossip about crushes, clothes, what he said, what she said, what he did, what she did... :X . And it all had to happen on my bed. MY BED!!!!

Up1 and up2 were the most irritating creatures. Esp when we had to go out, they'd go in and out of my room, trying out this lotion,that jewellery, perfume, deo, this eyeliner, that lip gloss, and
standing in fron of the mirror, trying on different hairstyles, and all the while shouting for an honest opinion. GIrls, you should just go nude. It was soooo bloody irritating.

And more over. They didn't understand at all. They didn't listen. Atleast Surat did. CG called sometimes... And we used to talk a lot.... a lot lot lot.

THey weren't talking to each other, remember? So each time one came into the room, the other left, and vice versa.... Gossip mongers.

Enter non-devil. She's my age, only she's a PU student. I met her at this satsang. Okay, she used to come sometimes and talk... not that it really bothered me.. but yea, i really needed someone with sense to talk to. Other than the phone, of course...

She told me a lotta stuff, even when i say lots, it's magnitude is sooo much more than you can imagine. She had a crush on this guy called Goku. He was my batchmate, and i hated him. HE'd always come up with pointers to tell me how to improve my behaviour. The sad ass.

And she had a huge crush on him. Perfect.
See, now, there's one bit of info you need to know. Surat is damn pretty. So, there were plenty of rumours about her, and all the guys.

So, life went on like this... daily class, daily rumours, daily food, daily sleep...with a little bit of hw...
Some fights, some silence, some special moments...

THen came my DSN course. This wasn't compulsory for us, it was optional... and, Bawa was taking it. I really needed to get out. So, i went for it. It was exactly what i needed. THE BEST.

I did soo much during the course..... Ernakulam had come with me. Along with a few other classmates. And a few seniors.

We'd have two "meals" a day. One at 8 30 am, and the other at 5 30 pm. Our day was from 6 in the morning till around 12 midnight. Daily, we'd have 5 rounds of Ps.

Oh yes, many restrictions. No outside food, no smoking, no drinking, and no coming late. And yes, no mobiles. I didn't get to communicate with any of my friends, those 4 days.

I stayed at this didi's place, We were around 9 people. and one bathroom. No warm water. No alarm also. So, that gave us approx 6 mins to take bath. I don't know how i managed. I particularly got irritated with ernakulam. She'd take bath for like 20 mins. And the rest of us would get late. And taking bath was compulsory, if you're thinking of alternatives.

What energy! I used to hate ps. All that stuff!!!! pain!!!
Bawa taught a lot. He talked about the four kinds of people- The ant, housefly, the butterfly, and the honeybee.
He talked about the two kinds of friends.
He talked about the different kinds of pleasure.
He caught me sleeping in his session.

Ps got more and more fun, i mean, i got used to the pain, and well, i started observing what was changing. But there was this one teacher, who used to take the entire kriya for us. I still dislike her. What normally took 2 hours without her took 3 hours with her. stretch stretch......... stretch stretch......... stretch stretch ...pain.... all my nerves used to scream in protest... lie down, lie down... god!!

I had 4 others in my team. We were 3 guys, 2 girls... Viju, me, gautam, gaurav and vidur. All of them were working, except for gautam. He's doing a CA, or something like that.

They were superb people. Gautam was a silent observer. Vidur an introvert, gaurav a childish funny guy, and VIju was enthusiastic, and she was a good friend.
After the course, we all were so different.

We did all sortsa wierd stuff during the course... We shouted boo!! in a restaurant( crowded, mind you), at a guy who was peeing in the gutter, we shouted boo to the trees in the middle of the sidewalk, to the different vendors... we bought trees, and dug up the ground and planted them....

We made a big mess at the malls, cause we bought a lot, and then we tell them that we don't want plastic.... when he'd already billed us. We almost made him cry. Poor guys... one of them was cute :)

and we'd give roadside intro talks, we'd tell people not to use plastic. So much more...was so good. I did the wierdest things...

I got tanned... really badly. Lucky for me, i didn't get sunburnt. BUt yea, i lost a lot of weight during that course...

The last day was the best.... we were asked to get an extra set of clothes.... and we were supposed to be at the ashram.

We cleaned it

So... first suprise. We had to give the guys our clothes, and the guys give us theirs.
Okay, so we changed. ANd they looked so funny.
Second. We had to look like the opposite sex. Which meant, guys had to shave off all their facial hair, and get their make-up done! We girls had to get the moustaches and all. The process was okay for us girls...but the guys had a difficult time... their salwars were soo uncomfortable.... and lipstick, and blush, and the dupattas....they had a difficult time.

Third. Ps in our costumes. THis was the ultimate. And it was all videotaped. Funny embarrassing moments, th guys were busy adjusting everything.... and we girls were nice and relaxed.... except for those who had jeans to wear.
We had peach icecream, and Bawa had made this awesome dish for us. Just for us. Everyone was like, it tastes just like chicken... and i was like, chicken tastes like this???

Chicken tastes, okay, i guess, nothing great in it. Oh, btw, we ate in our costumes. In the ashram kitchen. With everyone starting at us. mmmmph! We all just couldn't stop laughing. I really pity jaideep.. he had worn this really uncomfy salwar of mine... and it was tight for him. Dunno how he managed to do ps.

I had a crush on vidur. He was so cute. his hair used to fall just over his eyes, his smile...and the way he used to drawl was neat..... He looked so girlish in his salwar....

I loved the IBTY process.... complete silence, yet so much understanding.. positive vibes...

I was crying when the course got over... didn't want it to get over... I didn't want to go back to the damn books, to education. I liked this stuff, philosophy, to teach me the real meaning of life.

End of Course. End of Part I.

vee vaa laa vee daa

Zokra went to college today. I missed her, a bit. Actually, i was a bit envious. She was so happy, when i wasn't. That feeling went away though.

Just realised something. HAndling 4 kids 6 years and younger is a hellish task. They won't let me watch my favorite shows, they will constantly bug you for things so stupid, so silly, and they ask endless questions, they cry, they fuss, they irritate, they are so naive. They are dirty, and sticky, drooly, and ewwish.

And they've got such cute smiles. Such nice gestures. Such awe when you tell them a story. So much admiration when you do tricks. All that mixed with how much they wanna be JUSt like you when they grow up. How they listen to you.

Kids. Can't believe i was like that.

And my cousins! THe house is packed. Can't figure out how the house contains them!
My college starts last. Last. Last. And ends second last. I'll have to get my dl after 2 months, i suppose. Still got a lot of work.

Mom and dad bought me a new mobile, finally/ My old one was breaking apart, though it had all the stuff i wanted. My new phone's just got the password option, and it's a flip phone..... otherwise, my old one was perfect. Still love it. And all the stuff we went through!!!!

Was watching splitzvilla today. It was boring. Really, so much for a grand finale....they keep going around in circles. Sad.


I'm just tired of all the old things, want to be new again, want everything to be new. I need.

A week more

I've got a week for college to start. Inching closer and closer to a lot less phone calls, no meeting, no crazy pranks, no funny photos, no being together. For a long time.

Will miss everything that happened. I'm still in two minds, whether to take all those things to college or not. Actually, my parents are saying that its no more necessary for me to go to hostel,
(i know why they're saying that) , but i want to go. I've thought a lot about being away from home. This is as far as i could go.

People call often, and we still have conversations as if nothing's changed. As if it was a school holiday. I don't know what's going to happen to us. If we'll still stay as strong as we were. Or just ....move on.

I've got a lot to say to all of them, just don't know how, or when. It's really difficult. I'm the "stupid writer", who writes out everything. No one does that. Atleast, i don't think so.

I want to wish my friends all the best for everything that they do, and that, no matter what's happened, they'll always be in my heart. But how? How would i? How should i? WHen there are so many unspoken things between us.

I'll never forget. I hope.

Selfish desires

I've been contemplating lately. What if? Why that? How could? All that.

Thinking of all the possibilities. Of all Certainties.

A lot has happened these days. Including Janmashtami, today.

I wish i knew the insides of people. Not the physical insides, i'm going to find that out sooner or later.

A tweak inside, and they could be modified. Some are so rusty.
My driving classes are going fine, we almost crashed into a bunch of cylinders. My instructor had taken up the steering and all i was supposed to do was accelerate while he was supposed to
reverse and he was controlling the steering.

And that's when i'd glanced at the mirror, and wham, i pressed the brakes. the car was an inch away from those cylinders, and this stranger passing by makes a face at me. I raised my hands up, and made a face back, damn him. More than ever i wanted to kick this substitute driver i'd
gotten.

Saturday's dad's official day of rest. Problem was it was janmashtami, and that's when grandmom's ass had to butt into everything, and the entire kitchen was noisy. Preparing this, frying that, cooking this, chopping that, cleaning this, burning that. Damn hectic. And my grandmom pretending to help, grandad yelling for his glassses and books.

Mom and dad scurrying about, and me? i guess my legs suddenly developed top speed. One moment i was frying, the next moment running off to get the door or something.

I'd planned to catch up with my pals today. To go out for a movie, and spend time at home later.

Why was I in two moods? I'd wanted to go, duuh. Why was it feeling wrong? I knew my parents needed help. Why? My bro doesn't need to help, his exams are going on. My foot. What, is he a collegian?

I ditched the movie. And gave my parents a piece of my mind. And helped them. I don't sulk.
Nor did my friends. Still, why was i not disappointed that i didn't go?

I picked them up after that. We'd had soooo much fun! The bus rides rocked! We couldn't stop laughing!!Hot sun and all, i'm sure if we'd stood for longer, we'd have gotten baked.

We'd stopped at nilgiris after that, to do some no money-shopping.

Mom says that if someone comes to eat on the day of a festival, it means we are graced with god's presence. She was soo thrilled.

Zokra pestered us to play cricket. Nag nag nag..... big difference, though, she's always like that about cricket. Showed them my baby photos, and they'd had such a good laugh!

We took pics too. THis was a special event in itself.
We had a lotta fun, took an unexpected trip to the mall. What fun! I don't think people have seen a crazier gang before! I do make a fool of myself. But it's so worth it. Do people remember you if you're a normal face? Dare to be different.

We'd trooped back home, just in time for splitzvilla, today rumoured to be the last show.
And they left.

I was happy. Everything was so worth it.

moods and dooms.

2 weeks. Almost.
A cellphone was all i had to communicate with my friends.....and talk to my bff's for hours. My 500+ balance dropped to 100+, within a week! Not that i've not got value for money, i couldn't stop talking once i started. I still have a lot to catch up on. We've planned a lot, i've got dl classes, need to revise my bio, get proper accessories, pack up for college, get some photos, my atm card...basically, i've got a lot to do.

For once, i made a to-do list. Organisation.
I missed home. Mom's comfort, talking out stuff with dad, fighting with Vin for the comp, all silly. I'd recorded a conversation between all of us sometime ago, and that's what i'd listen to, if my grandmom bogged me down.

She's not nice. Everyday, nag nag nag nag nag. She'll pick just the time when i sit to read my book, or speak to my friends to call me. It ain't coincidence, it happened 19 times!

It was me ,patti and thatha. Not many people i could really talk to. Lot of moving back and forth. I like the garden there. I like walking amongst those trees, they have so much life in them. Squirrels chasing each other, a sleepy cat, the small centipedes, the crows and they're endless cawing.

Once you go inside the house, all you'd know is that there's clutter. A mess. Things on the verge of falling. I don't blame them, the house needed some help, if they didn't.

And that's why i came. Chennai is madness, things go so slow. A day is from 6 am to 6 pm. Sarees are a must. No keeping this close to that, don't touch this and this thing, no hugs, no nice words, grandmas everywhere, and the usual conversation -

"Ay!! yeppidi irruke? Sowkyama?"
"Aan! Nanna irruken! Neenga?"
"yellan serya irruku....amma appa? Patti yenga? Ippo nee yenaa padikare?"
"snore..........."

People say bangalore is slow compared to mumbai, where people are in the moment. Wonder how they'd deal with Chennai.

I'd met a few friends, cousins, we'd gone out. And that's when something happened. Some asshole tried to push his dick onto me in the bus. Duhh, i'd pushed him. Problem was, a bit too much. He fell, and i made a big issue of what he did. That's what i used to do in blore, and all the ladies would stick up for me an give this guy a beating. There, they stared. Not one word.

I knew my face was betroot colour. That man got off the bus. I knew all those eyes were on me.
One of my friends asked me why i'd done that. "snore........................" .

"it happens re....there's nothing you can do 'bout it."

I listened to two versions of my grandparents' marriage. I'd looked through their albums, found some nice pics for my scrapbook. Really interesting ones.

I think atleast 1% of the world's lizard population is present at their place. If there's one thing that scares me, it's a lizard.....
ughhh.

I like the way the sunlught shines in through the windows, the way the dust particles shine.
I'd gone to my nephew's party, and i had a really good time! I just love my folks there!

A lot happened when i'd gone. There's still something happening that i'm not sure about. Something that doesn't sound right. It feels wrong. What the hell did he do? What did she say? How is this happening?

I just hope that it gets explained. Wait a second....why am i even bothered? It has nothing to do with me.

It's a long story, and that's why i'm wondering what happened...that's all.

goodbye to all those words.

Just tuned into some music, and got a few pals online. Waiting for them to talk sense.
To do, to do, to do, to do, to do, to do, to do, to do, to do, to do.

Later.

Tides and waves

I'm selfish, i guess. I've never really had that sort of an outburst, as in the last post.

Yesterday was a fiasco. Had gone to zazu's birthday. MEt up with some old friends, and we had a gala time, still, i really didn't have much fun. Something was missing. We drank, we ate, all that. Threw mousse cake at everyone, and took photos with our faces smeared with cream. That part was funny. Really felt happy then.

We wanted to plan a trip to wonder la, and turns out most of us wouldn't be free then. Me and zokra made some crappy gifts, putting some nonsense stuff and wrapping it with loads of newspaper to make it appear big. And the last gift was the actual one. zazu, me, zokra and gugo in a pic. And zokra modified our faces. My face had hair all over, excepting my eyes. But we looked sooooooo man-like. Nice gift.

I remember heading home, in the rain, feeling heady, thanks to all that drink. I remember flopping on the bed. And reading all the "love ya!" messages i'd got. How freely some people express love, i just can't seem to do so.

Wonder why i drank. I'm not a drinker. And the smell makes me sick. Mom was meditating. Bro was on the comp. That wasn't the welcome i expected.
Really feeling woozy, and after changing to dry clothes, i'd logged onto the computer, thinking i'd get some silence. I forgot, i'm a counsellor. People forget i'm a friend first, i'm here for support, i'm not here to keep giving you the answers.

The moment i logged onto chat, i'm bombarded, no heed to my plea for some silence. I don't blame them completely, i hardly ever get angry.

An alarming 14 people asking me what they should do. If there's one thing i don't want, i don't want to be an online counsellor. Cause by the time you make your point, your hands and eyes are physically exhausted.

I cracked underneath. I wanted to rn away from all this chaos. And that's when i remembered me telling my friend to be a fighter. And yea, i'm a fighter too. OF course i can fight. I'm a warrior.

I pushed them all away, didn't care what they felt. My bad. They're all kids. I needed to be with myself for sometime.

I'd met this lady on my flight while returning to b'lore fom mumbai. We really bonded. And she's who i talked to. 3 hours.

She understands me so perfectly. I was so amazed! I'd normally talk to my friends, but experience says they're not asvisors. "We're all here for suport, and we help, but give us a problem, and we'll help you find the solution, but we wont give it to you." I like that about them, they make me reliant, and more realistic.

The only woman i've talked my problems out with is my mom. But this time, i called this lady. And she did what she did best. She listened, she heard me out, she waited till all that anger came out. I like what she told me.

She told me how it felt to have a child come to her for help. And that's how it should be each time.
I'm re-reading chicken soup.

"How did your day go?" dad asks, as soon as he gets home.
"nanna irundhidhu, just not feeling like myself" i reply.
"Something wrong?" mom asks, across the dinner table.
Not really, not anymore. I'm fine. And so is the lady from the plane. Mom must never know about this...NOT!

That evening, dad decided that my grand's needed me. And thence sprouted a plan to send me there... i'd pleaded and pleaded. And finally i'm going by train. I'd wanted to go alone, but now, i'm going with a cousin.

I'm not looking forward to this trip. ohhh.....i hear you ask "WWWWHHHYYYYYY?"
It's pretty obvious.


Chat with Zula. Beep.

Back to front!

I was looking at the chatlogs...and my old blog posts. ANd boy, what a difference!

I used to be a lot more kiddish! literally, i've found so much of nonsense in all those chats, and blog posts. Absolute rubbish. I was trying to make some sense out of it, and couldn't. I was just wasting everyone's time. Now, it's so different.

Chat with the same person, only two years later. And the difference is so obvious. I was asking one of my pals about it yesterday, and he said the same thing. A sort of slow transformation. And he liked it!....HA

One of my other friends just didn't like the full hand typing..she said it was appearing formalish. I like this sort of change. It's not overnight. And there are people who say we taurians hate change.

Change can be by the second, by the minute or annually, it's just that we don't like drastic change too soon. It takes time for me to adapt to what's the new "normal".

I'm going to zokra's house for a sleepover today. I need to spend some time away from home. The monotony is getting very disturbing.
Will have to fit in a visit to school too. That's me, fit in things into the shortest available timespan.
So lazy!

Oh ya! i was talking to my junior too. She reminds me of this confused, crazy, intelligent and helpful girl. Actually, that's what she is! And she's damn hyper! A bit immature, if you ask me.
Who knows, i'm comparing her with the way i was...., there are so many worsos out there!
STUPIDOS!
I'm even helping out a 21 year old man! Everyone said i understand them completely, do i understand myslef completely?
Do they understand me? Do they want to?

And i'm counselor! Juniors seem to ask ME for advice! WHAT? i mean, when did i advertise myself? Mom gets very irritated when another kiddo calls " Yenna idhu? Yevlo calls vandhundeirrukanno? Thaaangala ! Tell them to call your mobile!!!"

I had a lot of online work to do, so quite a few hours spent online. And my eyes red. Everyday. And there's this cousin, whose asking me if i've just gone through a break up.

I've been through a lot of arguments lately. Mini ones though. Cat fights. Spitting, mewing, clawing, you get the idea.

I've begun to think differently about things. Also, all this counselling has roped me into more shit. It's different, talking to people influences in so many ways!

I'm now caught in a triangle( me being the centroid). Just don't know what the truth is anymore. Sometimes, logic and intution gives me an answer, but this time, i'm just least bothered. The answer lies before them. They'd see it even if they're blind. Stupidos.

Went to my friend's place yesterday. Had a lotta fun! CAtching up with each other, pranking silly people, and grooving to music, awesome day! She wrote in my scrapbook, finally!

I'm beginning to really dislike this guy. One moment he's all understanding, the next moment, he's an asshole, a big shithead. So self centred. I can't even knock him off... i've never seen such a concieted bastard. I hardly ever have such disgust for someone, but this time it's totally such a put off. What the hell does he think of himself? Some all intelligent, handsome, charming guy?

Maybe i'm just an ignorant bitch. Really want to pulp up his brain.
I think we've argued more than conversing. And to think i thought we'd be great pals. Fuckin' mistake. I should have never trusted him, believed in him, or been open. I should have slammed the door on his face.

Wierd, i've never really written like this before... well, just one nice thing. I liked his eyes, and his smile. Never saw what was underneath. No feelings. none at all. Why did he just screw my ass and just sit there laughing at the pain i went through?

Bastard. Son of a bitch. Note to self - Never talk to him again. You don't give a shit.

Was talking to him the other day, and he was talking about his ex. And the next moment, he's kissing me. kissing me. And after that, he's gone.

Now, looks like i need a counsellor. I need help. I need someone to talk to.

Advertisements

Advertising - I dislike it. Regard it with utmost contempt. Actually, advertising isn't that bad...it's the methods and timings which suck.

Advertising your affection, all those TV ads, they make me sick. Advertising a company, a site, a toothpaste, and those damn creams, shampoos, and soaps.

The TV is for advertising. The ads just put me off when i see my favorite shows. And the same faces, Dhoni and his Tiger buiscuits, Shah rukh and his damn laptops and his DIsh TV, i'd like to dish him some dog shit. Even watching my favorite movies is so not nice. Pirated stuff rocks!

I've now taken up stiching. I need to find more interesting stuff to do. I just finished reading "A Thousand Splendid Suns" yesterday. Very touching. I'd recommend it for all those lost souls out there. There are so many explanations, you choose one which appeals most.

Somehow my friends don't share this joy in reading. OR writing. I know they all want to.
Listening to colors of the wind now. Made me go up to the terrace and feel the breeze, the smell of the earth, the tailorbird twittering away as it makes its nest. The nest looks so delicate!...and to see it moving it's beak up and down, with that long tail. It's mesmerising. I wish i was pocahontas. Someone without inhibitions. Someone so right.

Her character, and little mermaid, someone so hopelessly in love. And so willing to take risks. Sure, FB says, if i was a disney character, i'd be Ariel. I take risks, almost all the time, but i don't fiddle around with everything. Or everyone.

G finally messaged me. It's been a week. I hope he says he missed me.

Static.

I've got an entire list of things to do at home these days.... from cleaning my table, my cupboard, and my bookshelfs, and brushing up with my sanskrit. And i can't believe it, i don't understand so much! I don't remember.

It's been a long time since i blogged. It's hard to believe during my board exams i blogged almost everyday..and now, during my holidays, i don't. It's so ironic.

Suddenly i've got a passion for art, my room's filled with all my drawings. Mind you, i don't copy stuff, mine's original. I'm missing school. My uniform's still in the cupboard, waiting in vain. Even my friday shirt, with everyone's comments. I'm turning it into a pillow.... I put up the photos we took during school. When there's a power cut at home, i open up those scrapbooks, and all those gifts and letters, it's all so wonderful, thinking about how we have to get new lives.

People tell me i make friends easily, i'm open. But obviously, when i'm suddenly in a new environment my first instinct is to recoil. Sure, i'll smile, i'll talk, but that won't be the real me.

Problem is..i can't look at everyone equally, before they make an impression, they're already segregated into groups. Too bad for them.

Hostel! Hostel.... i'm only thinking of sleepovers.... we talk late into the night, or rather into the early morning. No studies!

I went to see TPTM with booble a week ago. We wanted to go to see JTYJN but it got sold out. DAMN! We had so much fun..... we payed for the usual seats and we went and sat in the gold class section. What plush seats, and awesome service! Basically, it was his treat to the movie, and i was supposed to treat him for lunch. I had a great time. And i ended up not wishing him on his birthday! Boy was he mad!

I had gone to my grandparents' place during the weekend. Me and dad had gone to attend one of my cousin's wedding. Somehow, the moment you enter Tamil Nadu, if you wear something other than a salwar or a saree, you have all eyes on you.

My granny wanted me to wear a saree. Not that i don't like them....but it's so hot there! i hate adjusting all those layers of fabric again and again, and i look like an aunty in them. I wore a skirt....and the aforementioned happened. I didn't know i had so many cousins! So many!
Chatting with them right now.

But the grannies and grandpas are irritating. Very. Everywhere, i can predict who is going to ask me which questions. HA suggested i keep a list and show it to a person who is about to ask me questions. Oh ya, grandma lectured me on showing respect. And acting like a lady.

And to stop asking questions, and take things as they are. No ma'am, that's not me. Besides, i don't think i ask irrelevant questions. Women, should be submissive, she says. That ain't gonna be the way i would want to be.

We also went to this thread ceremony, and that's when i met my cousins from my mom's side. And that was even better, i've never had so much fun at functions.

I've never eaten that much either.
Travelling by train is something. constant motion, noise, squeals, the porter, the beggars, the sellers, the pantry people, and, the toilet stink.

The scenery outside. It rained on our way back. I've never seen the sunlight passing through the clouds that way. It was so beautiful.

My grandparents are coming here later this month. I don't know how it's gonna be, i'm used to being alone at home. Soon, the TV will be on 24 x 7. I'd lose a lot of weight, going up and down the stairs.

Just downloaded some good music. Why do these songs have to be on this complex emotion called "love"? G said that once you define it, it loses it's meaning. I wont be able to sing these songs once they come. I'd be asked to shut up, or sing some classical shit.

I also miss M. It's been a long time since i talked to him. Gugo's call is due....
We plan to go outta town somewhere, the znzgzf. Maybe coorg, so that we'd have time to spend with us. f is going to stanford, zazu's in new horizon, zokra's in manipal for animation, nishi's not yet decided, and gugu's in jss, hopefully.

And yea, zazu's birhday is coming soon. Wonder where Opus is.

I spend quite a bit of time on the comp. A sad state of affairs, my hands don't want to clean up.

I think this is enough for now.

PS- i changed my blog's url, one of my friends suggested i give it the name mutetalkshow.
Somehow, i like that name. Unusual- that's me.

The path ahead

At the CET counselling, i got into SSCASR. I was sooo thrilled!
It wasn't a dream come true or anything, but it was too good. I'd finally got a college i wanted, in my city, and with a course i wanted to do.

I was so happy, i jumped and laughed. got a lot of nasty looks though, big deal!!!

My entire family called up, and it was so nice to see all the concern. They were so happy.
I'm happy, i'm the first one to be a doctor, an ayurvedic doc.

That happiness wore out in a few days. And that's when zokra came online.
We'd fought before, and it was my fault, 100%. I never admitted defeat. i never had the humbleness to.

It was about my marks... I'd never wanted to be compared, i didn't know...it was like i'd had a fear of rejection. It was like i'd be demoralised. i felt that way. And we never spoke, for a few weeks, and i got used to her absence in my life, thinking it was the way it should be.

Thinking i was right. And i began to resent her, i began to hate her, for i couldn't let her go out of my life, we'd been best friends for too long. And one day she called. i still remember, i never picked up her calls, i still wasn't ready to talk to her.

And one day, i saw her online, and she asked me to come to her place, on such and such day. My entire self screamed no. I didn't want to face her. Was i feeling inferior?

And everything came back, remorse, regret, and i was feeling so dumped. And i don't know the turn of events, it was arranged that i stay at her place for a sleepover. I shortened the stay as much as i could, so it only included a night, and some part of the morning.

Needless to say, i was very apprehensive. I had to try and act natural. Or be natural.
I'm very adaptable, i can adapt to almost anything.

And here i was standing at her door, wondering if i really had to do this. I'd thought that, since i was going, might as well, clear up all the spats we'd had.

In i went, and i had a wonderful time, a really wonderful time. We had so much fun making dinner, and cooking the food, calling up someone at oo30 hrs, knowing she'd be asleep. Her grandmom picked up the phone and called us idiots. We didn't know whether to laugh or be angry!

We talked till late into the night. I picked up the nerve to apologise. And we sat talking about it all till the wee hours of the morning. I don't know if she forgave me, or if she's still angry or upset, but i know she understands, or atleast tries to. And she gives second chances.

I'd made up with her mom, and i'd apologised to my other friends too. I really wanted to start over again, so i'm happy i did it.

I'll try my best not to go into the same rut again. we'd had fun after that... we met a couple of times after that, with everyone else, and literall freaked out!!! i even got myself a tattoo!!

a unicorn. A movie and a sketch. So that i'd never forget what we shared. so that they'd never forget.

And i'll try.

a monthful part two

Hey, that last post was long, didn't realise till one of my friends fell asleep on the keyboard reading it! How could i write so less about something that mattered so much!

No one had enough of time, or patience, or interest, to finish reading it, i suppose....

And that was the end of the ashram episode. The next day happened to be my 18th birthday.
It wasn't a big bash, but i celebrated it in a way, i never though was normal. My phone rang off the hook, and i felt so nice. Most of the people from the ashram called, even though i didn't tell them it was my birthday!

Midnight was the best time! got 5 calls consecutively!
ok, that may not mean much to whomsoever is reading this, but it is to me! The thought that 5 people actually wanted to be the first to wish me means a lot.

Being with my family on my birthday actually has a blessing in itself. In almost all of my other birthdays either i wasn't home, or one of my parent's weren't home, or something else always came up. But this time, it was in silent agreement, and my birthday was at home.

Mom made one of my favorite dishes, spaghetti with sauce, made just the way i like it, with garlic bread. I couldn't believe that once upon a time i went bonkers cause it was my 13th birthday!
I even wrote what and all i'd do on my 18th birthday! Nothing ever became reality.

Overall, a great day, and i felt great to be alive.

The ONLY thing that burst my bubble, was, after all the wishes came the "so what do you plan to do next?" question.
People do care....but why do those questions have to come when theyr'e the last thing i want on my mind?

We also had to pack, we were leaving that night to chennai, then kolkata, and then ahmedabad.
So, here ends this post, may14th

one monthful

i know , it's june , and i missed my writing therapy.
a lot happened last month, so much...

Amma and appa sent me and vin to the ashram, to do the Yes and YesII course. Needlessly said, taking the role of my brother's sitter, and having to go there without any known people going there, i tried my best to stop going there. My excuses ranged from - my coming birthday, to learning how to drive, to wanting to be alone, to wanting to be with my friends.

I was so apprehensive. I liked the ashram, and i liked doing the yes course there before. But then i didn't have my brother with me.
Not that it was his fault, but i needed someone to blame.

So there we went. And while registering, the girl before me had the same name as me! And we happened to be in the same room. So, we got acquainted. It turned out that her friends, around 6 more, were due to come from coimbatore. I was happy, thinking I'd have people to hang around with.

Our room was nice, we had space for two others. And so I and these people became friends.

And that's when things turned around. It was around that night - an older man had asked for help, he wanted someone who could speak telugu, and i asked them. One of them said yes and had unknowingly volunteered herself to be someone else's translator. Obviously, none of her friends were happy with me, and niether was she. Even though they faked smiles, i knew what was happening, atleast at that time. Even i wasn't happy with that, but what did everyone care? They needed someone to blame too.

And then my dear roommate decided to dump me and switch over to their rooms. Well, i accepted that, i thought she would want to be with them. Well, it was okay. And we talked, casually, but hell, i was still perturbed, it was obvious something was wrong, to me, it was a nice way of saying " we don't want you anymore".

And there were two more roommate's in my room. One from mumbai, and one from pune.
They were fun! We, were all 18 ( okay, i was almost 18) and we still had pillow fights, shared so many stories aobut our private lives, our similarities, differences, almost everything.

The nights there were sooo much fun! We used to stay up till three dancing jugs and stuff, and i loved it! The other "friends" had told me that one of my roommates was a baig slut. I figured otherwise. She was pretty nice and sweet.

Oh yes, my previous gang ignored me, as if they couldn't stand me. I was disgusted, but i had one advantage. I took time to meet others, and i widened my group of friends. I soon didn't have trouble walking with anyone.

The night before they brushed me off, i was in tears. I didn't know why i deserved all that flak. Mom always comes to the rescue then. She told me it was a cleansing process, and that i had to go on. And that's exactly waht i did.

I found different bits of me in different people. A girl who loved writing, someone clumsy, someone with pink cheeks, someone shy, it was like i was everywhere! Okay, that might sound dumb, but it felt that way.

It felt great to be with everyone. Shit, the guys know how to hog! Everytime i did seva, they took SOOOO much of food, and came back for two more servings! Doing the cutting, cleaning, sweeping, eating, and rushing back to the VM was tiring, but with a group of people, it was worth it.

I kept getting dirty looks from the old gang, but balls to them.
The first time we did SK during that course, i felt bliss, literally. Just truly happy, for no reason.

In the nights, me and the mumbai people used to get out of our rooms and chat together near the stairs with the other mumbai guys, have a nice time and get back. Boys were downstairs and girls above, so the stairs seemed the best option.

And if you're thinking that we were flirting...or making out, you're dead wrong! We just laughed and shared whatever happened. talked and talked about one of the most infamous teachers of all.

Until we got caught. One of the volunteers saw us, and well, big deal! we just said hello, and went back to our rooms! He didn't report us or anything, duuh...we weren't doing something sleazy..

We did suryanamaskars daily. Excruciating, boy i used to hate them, my knees, my tummy, my hands!!! arrgh!! almost 12 times each morning session! Atleast, that's all i could do! HE used to put on the "peacock dance" and we had to go along with the rythm. Around 40 suryanamaskars!!!

Forming bonds, learning new things everyday, that was how YES was. I was shocked, there were so many asking me for my no and email id !

And i finally got accustomed to the ragi kanji we got for breakfast, the walking up and down, the constant intake of water, and , oh yes, sans cellphone.

And that's how YESII began. This time, there were more people, few from hyderabad, few from bangalore, and most of the mumbai gang stayed behind.

The first day was almost like, a day to socialise, only not in a normal manner, we played different games and stuff, made wierd physical connections , gosh! it was sooo hilarious to see ourselves doing such stuff!

There was once, when we had to act mental, doing stuff we'd never ave done as normal human beings.
And that's when we met. Her name was P, and we just clicked. We rolled onto the grass, acted like drunkards, screamed out loud, did our soprano solos, danced like clumsy fools...and boy, i really let out all my energy into that!

Shit, we had so much in common..and so many dissimilarities, and the moment we greeted each other, it was like we've know each other for a long long time. We talked a lot, and, i'd finally found what i wanted , a true friend. Somehow, these friends always turn up at the ashram!

We went together, though we didn't stay in the same buildings, we always turned up in the same spot at the same time. She reminded me of zokra, it was like zokra was there with me all the time..... only thing, zokra hates aol. So, me and p talked about a lot, gossiped a lot, and i finally began to completely forget the entire "old gang" in my building.!

I'd made friends with an amazing, sentimental writer, and boy, she's talkative, once she gets into the mood, she was fun, and , it was like all her problems got dissolved once she did the course.

My favorite part of the course was all the different people I met. DOing kriya together, eating lunch together, doing seva together, yoga, dances and meditation, and just being blissfully happy after everything just made my course this time so memorable.

I completely forgot to mention the teachers!!!
We had the best combo of teachers...ever! we had arvind bhaiya, shreya didi, justin, amol, akaash, and a few others, and they made it superb!

the one thing that i remember the most is the hot seat. One of the most emotional experiences i had. i wasn't chosen, but i wanted to go! Seeing waht happened there i wanted it to happen to me.....i wanted to get cleaned on the inside too.

The next day was Guruji's birthday

And that night, around 10, we were asked to write down everything we despised, everything, with paper and pencil aplenty.

i wrote, i wrote, i wrote, i wrote. I wrote about everything. it was a sort of fierce determination, i wanted it all to get over.... but i couldn't write more than two pages.... and all around me people were on their 5th page.!!!

Later, in the night, we went to this helipad, a 15 minute walk from the ashram, and there we set
up a HUGE campfire, and we were asked to chuck our problems into the fire, and forget them forever. Nice symbolism, but how could I?

i shredded it, tore it, and i yelled as i threw it into the fire, and i felt so victorious, all of a sudden. So jubiliant. And it was over, literally, i didn't care what happened to them, i watched as the flames licked them down.

And I made my way back to the room, and waited till midnight, with the mumbai people, and then screamed out loud!!! (and woke everyone else up)

Mom had brought some of her famous chocolate cake a day before, and it was soon demolished by everyone!!! And what did i get? More orders for mom to make some more!!
We went for a walk, a sorta boy- girl boy- girl walk, and it was so damn sweet ( felt damn cosy, i daresay)
( here "we" refers to me, a few of the mumbai people, and my roommates)

And that's how YESII ended, photos, videos, phone no.s, email id's, a lot of names to remember, etc. etc. etc.

Oh did i tell you, the oldie people apologised!!! They actually talked to me, in private and said they were so damn sorry for ignoring me that way. mom was right, they did come back, and now we're great friends, having put the past behind us, and living in the present moment.

And there ends my Bangalore episode.....May 13th...

Viva el amor

That's called dance music. Perfect blend of beats and melody. Just perfect...
And there's this other one, from high school musical, titled " Start of something new"
A good video... And the music is nice



Went to a satsang today evening at this lady's place, and that's when i saw, a girl, she would have been around my age, only she had the brain of a kid. Our first contact was a flying kiss. As we


sang, she clapped, and as we
mediated, she fell silent, a kid, she was just a kid. Her eyes moved about, kind of in a disarray.
We talked, she had a sort of slurred speech.
I remembered my cousins. They had the same sort of speech problems. Thanks to them,I Understood what she was trying to say.

She wanted to be a doctor! I was so amazed, even a person such as her can dream, why can't I?
Why couldn't I?
Why was i holding back? Did i limit myself?
Actually, no....What was i not thinking about? Losing weight? What was I ot aspiring for?
Still, i felt that something wasn't there.

I have a guy of my own, a family, food, shelter.
My mom answered that question almost immediately- I'm on the lookout for the reasons for everything - from death to living, to life after death, everything. I was in thirst of knowledge.

I haven't found my so called 'master', but i've read books. I read, and i note down stuff. But when will i realise what's beyond all this existance? Why do i have to lead the life a common person does? Why can't I be different? How?

Well, the dazed look doesn't do much. People think that i think too much! Maybe i am, for I'm the only one in my section to actually do all the stuff i do. I get into deep doodoo, yet i caome out shining and smiling. Well, that's the reason I'm called zulie = zula + smily.

It takes an observer to see who i am behind my glasses. Really, i come off as a nerd, a boring person. Unless the first time you see me laughing my head off! I go so crazy at times! I can;t stp laughing even when its a pj

You should see me at home, I can't stop laughing at times, and i like smiling so much! So simple!
I get work done, i always do.

Time to take this off. Meeting a sick uncle today.
Dropping in and out. That's apt.

Foresaw it, SAw it, Oversaw it.

Well, the cet preparations were in full swing, 3 days before the exam.
I like it that way...rigorous few days. The last day is relaxation, and a nice juice before the exam.

Everyone thinks I'm the most laziest person on earth. In a way, i am.
I don't look for shortcuts, I've learnt the hard way that, there's no substitute for hard work, other than unreliable sheer luck.

The constant sle of exams is disappointing. It makes me feel like only answers mugged up from texts take you places.
Not skill, not talent, not experience. Just mugged up answers. Honestly, if someone were to pose other substitutes for these exams, along the line of interviews, or personal achievements, i do think the process would be fairer. It's merit, or you pay......It seems to divide people into good, and not good enough. I find it bad...... and sad.....people do deserve something....But I'm not here for sympathy!

Actually, It's been a long long time since i blogged. I used to blog almost everyday....and now? It's gone to a not even one a week new post. Another sad fact.

But CET was fun! Starting with phy with chem, and 16 question paper codes, ensuring that none of us could fudge, duuuh, which we did, we did all the mumbo jumbo, and eenie meenie, minie and mo, combined with our formulae, shortcuts, and logic.

Math arrived next, with one of my friends joking about how he was going to write it, and giving me a nice jhaappii on my back, we all went to write math in good spirits, after all, math was not anything i had wanted to write, i had done it for timepass.

It turned out to be a disaster, I could not finish answering all the questions, but I wasn't bothered. blah!

Bio was last, and it was the best!!! The answers just came easy, and i gyess i have to thank my the safe guy for that. His totally ununderstandable jokes, mostly made for me helped. Especially when it came to remembering laws and dates. Thank you, Mr AARRgh for calling me abnormal!

And we sat, talking about the different people we'd met there, amongst the 8 of us from school, I met few of my other friends too!!! One very very shy guy.....the supa dupa snoop, the hnky wunky man, and my friend, the brainy dud.

It was fun talking about all that we shared when we had gone to camp, 4 long years ago. Jesus, it was so hard to believe we did suck stupid stuff then, and haha!!! i just remembered i was nicknamed lata mageshkar, the role i acted in the play...i had lost my voice! It was too funny!!

On the other hand, meeting new people was never hard, i mistook a guy for his duplicate. Not his twin, a literal look alike. And we became friends, just like that!! He's nice.

Gugu was on fire today! And so was spoon! And R!
But I'm glad it's all over, and that I wouldn't have to go through that again. Glad.
Now, i awaited the phone calls, asking me about my performance. It gets bugging at times, but i try to understand their concern, but its IRRITATING!!!

Was chatting with G the other day. And i came up with the game - HE should greet me differently, every single time. And i would see how many different variations he could come up with.

Zokra just wrote me two testimonials. 2~ Actually, one continuing with the other.
She actually wrote it all out. I was so suprised to see it. I thought i was dreaming.
And i'm thinking, zokra and i - were interconnected, and were still separate, We're different, but still are the same. The same.

Its almost midnight, time for my nightcap!

Between us

Getting everything back to normal, when it is in a disarray. I just found out quite a bit, and it took quite a long time to chew it down.
What's the harm in someone expressing his/her feelings to someone else? Why does it backfire at times? The poor guy was teased, hurt, and he cried. I felt so bad for him.

Ok, so maybe people don't have the same emotional teaspoon. But they sure would have feelings!
And a lot seems to be going on, like the stuff in KANK. Exactly like kank.
And i don't think that is going to have a happy ending.

It seems futile. God save the soul!

We're all together, one of us just came back. Good for us!!!!
She's with me, now, asking me how much more vague i can get. Rotfl!
I'm glad I'm up to date with all the stuff, except for elastomer's and sarcolemma's rubbish. Atleast i have my friend back. LIfe seems a lot more worthwhile.

I knew this would turn out to be alright. TOgether, forever.

My online self and my physical self

Both of us are the same. We say the same things, but the only thing that is different is that one has body language, and one doesn't.

One speaks via her hands, the other through her mouth.
One communicates more than the other.
One communicates better than the other.

One of us is an image, the other, an object.

Let's talk about something else, shall we?

SAFE classes started, and they are quite tiring, it took me a lot of resolve to get back to reading and re reading 8 kgs, worth of text, a not- at-all-fun-and-not-the-way-hols-should-be-spent task.

A lot more than studying goes on in class, esp with cellphones, I'm beginning to hate the damn gadgets, it spoils the natural way of communication. Thanks to the ingenious invention, there
was a lot going on, that i wasn't even aware about! Well, I was in the first row, and if i so badly wanted to know, should have sat in the middle right?

So i got to know, not that i asked! They just said. It's a better choice, patience. A much better choice. I'm glad I didn't impose myself. Life teaches tough lessons well.

And now i have to cope up with another human being, just like me.

How many people leave and enter my life everyday? Just like my thoughts. Uncountable.

Me and zokra broke our call record today a straight 124 minutes talking. Well, that's normal, we haven't conversed for such a long time! I'm glad i called, she was pretty happy that i did.
She thought we wouldn't talk at all, i think we left gaps here and there. I'm glad I took tht first step, i knew she wouldn't call. After all, it was me who had left calls unanswered, and messages unreplied ( i don't know if that's a word), in the past. but hey, those were not because of misunderstandings, I just was stupid.

And I'm on track, the continuous phone calls have ensued, weve stopped using our cellphones, we communicate.

There's a lot that's coming back to me now, and we will always be together. I just had to take the first step, and it led me back to my old ways. together, forever, we're all different, in a good way, we make each other strong, we rock !

And that is the best way to describe us. The best.

The Storm

It all started in the evening, a nice gentle rain, with the current fluctuating, and the UPS's capacity varying.
I tried to finish writing my friend a testimonial, and it took 3 reboots to submit it! The rain soon became a downpour.

Me and mom both love jumping in the rain, to smell the wet mud, to feel the cold water, to feel in tune with nature. We were considering doing that when the first flash of lightning came, followed by thunder. Thunder storms frighten me a bit, they only remind me of being alone, and having scary monsters in the dark, but ya, who would be scared at 7pm? I wasn't . But I wasn't going to go into the rain.

Somehow, i don't know if something was wrong with my eyes, but the houses all around mine had all turned yellow! And the sky a muky grey, it was such a dampening sight, and in not much time, the entire surrounding was dark. I couldn't see much.

So in the night, all i could see was lightning flashes and the sound of thunder rumbling. I thought the rain would end by around tenn, yet it went on and on and on! I normally sit till around 1 and then sleep, cause its silent at that time. Yesterday, it wasn't, and i didn't like it!

I was scared to g downstairs for a glass of water! I'm not afraid of the dark, its just the grotesque shapes the lightning forms in the dark that scare me. So i just sat. sat. sat. I couldn't read, couldn't sleep, and all that. I ended up sleeping at 2 am, I just hope it doesn't rain that bad today!

But i approximated the distance the lightning had from the house. That part was the most fun. Otherwise, i was just fixed. just fixed.

The untitled title

I was listening to fly- by hilary duff,
i'm a music addict, most of my posts are about music, here's the video, you've gotta see it, the music is the most imp part!


You know you better than anyone else - Is that line really true?
I really don't know, people say that no1 knows more about you than your parents.

MAybe its true. I like myself. I accept myself. I have to accept my surroundings too.
Awesome, are we ever going to move on from philosophy.

Grandad fell down and got stiches done. As to how it happened, its a mystery. Grandmom was very strong, normally she goes hysterical. Both of them are fighters, just like my late grandfather. My other grandmom is weak, ever since he died.

THey'll all make it through, mom used the blessing to help him, she even helped my ex bf with it. He was so emotional after she did it!. He never used to believe in this stuff, now he's so different.

But yea, haven't even kept in touch for quite some time.Why did I bring him up?
I'd have dedicated the song tattoo- jordin sparks to him. Both of us were quite high minded.

He's long gone, gotta stay with my current. I would dedicate the song to him - A new day - by celine dion

Its so perfect. A great song too. I love her voice, its so full of volume.

O yes, i finally finished the game my friend sent me - and now i am the ruler of fognaria, i defeated the emperor- marsdos. That's what i call effective battle, i succeded after trying 4 times! What perseverance! Wah wah!

Oh ya, me and my kleptomaniac friend were chatting about the so called "importance" of economics , in a person's life.

Very successfully, i proved him wrong, but the ultimate debate is yet to begin, and ive gotten all prepared. What bull!! I never prepare, with him, I'm more spontaneous. And i never think when it comes to talking to him, a conversation just pops up somehow, we just get into the thread of conversation, It just amazes me at times!

How does it happen?
Talking is an art, and talking the way people expect you to is a skill, and I'm not very advanced at that art.

You would most probably find me blabbering shit, or I listen, i listen a lot. I also talk sense. and nonsense. I talk nonsense when I'm all uninterested, or when I've got too much to tell.

Why am I sometimes the opposite of myself?
Have i not found what is right and what is wrong?

Patti says that there are 15 years of suffering every human being suffers from, it comes with a break of seven and a half plus seven and a half years. She says that a person, even if he /she puts in the best effort, will never get the deserved results.

But why? Is it superstition? Is there a reason for this? Why does everyone go through it?It is even fair? I don't think so. A person's efforts should be suitably rewarded.
Confound it!

Thanks for going so far, so much for my decision to stop blogging, I'm too much into it!
Maybe when i get to college I'll stop, maybe. I don't think there's much to read anyways, but right now, I blog because i want to , not because i'm some sort of tap from which water keeps bursting forth, to refresh people. THat's not me, that's not my blog.

I like my blog.
It's nice.

Chicken soup

Well, after 4 hours of continuous reviewing 11th grade portions , one does get bored, tired, and I wanted to do something. Not come online, not watch, i wanted to do something energy consuming.

And what I ended up doing? Reading chicken soup, and walking up and down the house.

Not remotely amusing.

Grooving to music would be better, but i love chicken soup.

Fine it may not teach us something new with every story, but its very nice, and i prefer reading it to reading Robin Cook. Blaaaaah!!! too technical!

I wish I had Dan brown books at home, I've read them all, but, I'd like to read them, keep them.

What bull! I know i hate keeping an entire shelf full of books, the organisation rubbish is frustrating.

That's what life is about. Organising, Planning, and arranging. YUCK!

I'd prefer being a kid again. Carefree.

I was chatting with ms ZYX yesterday, and she was telling me as to how sullen school was without us!!!, the old days!

It seems like ages ago, when we had our grad day!

M contacted me today, all's well with him. I'm content.

Oh ya! One of my friends has gone abroad for further studies. Remember the kleptomaniac i talked about? Him.

He's doing fine. In any case i don't miss him.
The only way we communicate is via net, and in any case, he's there when i am there.
Why would i miss him? He's my net pal!

BAck to basics' music for now!! IT rocks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'd lie

Omg, I happened to viewing the video - bleeding love, ballboy's reccomendation.
And then i came upon this hannah montana video, wwhich also had the song - Id lie - by taylor swift.

I fell in love with the song. IT is absolutely perfect. I've been listening to it ever since, and i don't know when im gonna stop!

Music can change the way a person thinks. It happens to me all the time. That's why i always listen to positive music, music with energy, not something that makes me fell hopeless.(most of the time, atleast.)

Many of my friends asked me why i started typing full hand, and honestly, i don't have an answer.
It's just that IVe got to answer a lot of mails formally, and i find it difficult, typing with abbreviations, so i make an effort to type fullhand, yea, if that's a reason.

One of my freinds was telling me how much he missed all the fun we had. Of all the times, we recently patched up.

I couldn't tolerate his behaviour!!! but now, it all seems s trivial, we accept each other for who we are. And that's how we are special.

Thanks a lot for making me realise that.

In seventh heaven!

I think I just went mad.

I'm in seventh heaven! OMG ! I cannot believe what just happened. I think My mom would hav jumped 1 foot into the air when she saw me scream and jump all around the room!!!!!

All is calm now, but I' still quivering with anticipation and excitement, how is it going to be?
I keep analysing my emotions. Eurgh!

But he called! HE called He CALLED!

Omg , I think Im going to faint!

We toked and talked and takd and talked. Sigh~ When will I ever grow up?

You are soooooo delirious!, one of my friends tell me.

Defi, defi defi, im grinning from ear to ear, and everyone wonders who is gonna make the next move.

Oooooooh, what a day!, MY DAY! its one after the other.

Alright, time to get back onto some firmer ground, dad plans to make me join this crash course, and i don't know where ill be driving towards. PHHLAKAWAAKKKAA SPLAAAAT!

Yup, that describes me in a nutshell. It's time to lookup everything, that's become dusty in FB. Gotta lot to catch up over there. btw, hes on fb 2!

I don't think it would be easy to put my mind on studies now. Uh oh.

Ocean's eleven is worth watching. Its a nice story, and a nice plot.

Guru is ok, the only thing I'm fond of in the movie is its script, I'ts likeable, nothing great.

After seeing that movie 4 times, that's the only feedback i can give.

Well, what's new? everything! I've not only found something new, I'm looking forward to all that is there !!!

Ok, so whose in love?? dad asks, behind my shoulder.

pat comes the reply. Its not love dad, a lot lot more than that. It's called , the connection.

Hmmm, so he's gone, and ya, well, its true, whoever i interact with, we do have a connection. I didn't realise it at all. Ok i did, but what does interaction mean? Communacation, both ways.

So far so good. A connection is there, and whatever connects us could be anything. Who knows! I'm not going to try and figure that out, my mind would explode cosmically.

Well, alls well that ends well,

No wonder they say, loose connections! I know I've got many. Time to pull them all through.

Btw, Taurians rule! In the holi"battle" yesterday, me nd D, the girl next door used our pichkaris to the max! and in doing so, we "defeated th guys, but kudos to them, they kinda removed all the turmeric nd stuff from my hair!

It was fun. FUN! D was of great help, all those water buckets and pichkaris from her side won us the battle, and of course, so did the refree, our opposition's mom.

Gotta get outa back on my fb vampires zombies and slayers, gotta be a rank1!!!!back to the old days!

Zokra's oof to chennai till 27th. I'm missing her so. Wait till i tell her the good news!!!

Updates.

Well, today was math, and that , my 12th CBSE exam ended, so does my school life. I'm now officially, an ex-NPS ite.
Oh joy!

Well, we also plan to play holi tomorrow, and be all natural, with natural colours, but lots n lots of water balloons. And the pichkari, of course.

So me and my bro used up an entire hour and a half filling up those water balloons he bought from the store.Back pain, after all that continuous bending down, refilling, bending down, picking up, all that.

Who cares? PAin lasts for such less time.

Well, gave all the bye bye "gifts", and went to the prefects house for lunch and a sorta get together.And we saw shivaji, starrign rajnikanth, age 58.

As zokra aptly put it - "it was stupidly funny"

WE had fun.laughing, talking, reminscing, everything.

One more cherished memory,
bye tuki, bye cuci, bye sage, bye everyone. It was well worth it/

Quawali,

Well, bio just got over and ive got math in a few days, on 20th, to be precise.

After that - it will be mauja hi mauja - but only for a few days i suppose, ya, with my parents around, Ive got no choice but to prepare for the other xams that are coming.
:(

Well, the near future is not something i look forward to.

There's nothing in it, nothing at all, it literally is moving on, growing up, letting go, and all that.

wonder if ill get a college in blore.
Man, allopathic docs have such an aversion towards ayurveda!!

Talking about aversions, I'm trying to overcome the stupid aversion i have towards practicing calculus!

There's no secret at all, i just sit with someone and do it, well, so there's no distractions and stuff, but i resent this sort of math all the time.

Give me totalling, simple math, arithmetic, neat algebra, with trigs, or logs, ill do it!

But calculus? Integration? It does not seem to fit anything ! It totally defies the logic i have, and i have very little patience with it.

Its stupid.

Math can be fun. Dad says it's a mental block I have, well, that's not completely true.
I just see no particular help that integrating 1 +logx/ log x would have,
ok well that sum is stupid, ne1 can solvge it,
it was just an wxample, but its useless!!!!!! There's nothing satisfying in doing worthless sums like them!

Ok, so you're looking for satisfaction in math too?

Defi!!!I love solving problems!

Looking at all that integration makes my stomach go phlaakgurglllldrgghfifsoooofthrrrp!

Or maybe I'm just hungry. Gotta grab a "bite" then!

Uh oh, eating with mehendi on my hands, will not be easy, hey, they should have that as a task for Roadies 5.0!!!! :)

Its a stupid task anyways, but its worth trying!

When i say fine, doesn't mean its all right. It means whatever. It means i have no choice, that reminds me , thats what SSR was talking about yesterday, in the rain. We happened to go to the new school SSRVM, in kachamaranahalli, and he came. What a crowd, and what a downpour!

It always happens, i get the chance to meet him, I always shy away from it!!! Every single time!

But ya, i don't know, mom says that SSR is like her guru, but me? He's not mine, I'm sure of that. They say that the teacher chooses the student. Well, teacher, WHERE ARE YOU?

I want to learn, ( not calculus)!!!

phlaakgurglllldrgghfifsoooofthrrrp!
phlaakgurglllldrgghfifsoooofthrrrp!
phlaakgurglllldrgghfifsoooofthrrrp!
phlaakgurglllldrgghfifsoooofthrrrp!
phlaakgurglllldrgghfifsoooofthrrrp!


Ok ok !!!! c ya!

Crash, boom bang!

Well, the fucker's at it again.
Look at what i was led into - a no win situation.
Bloody fuck fuck FUCK!!!!!!!!!!

Why is it always pigheadedness? Why is it always refusal?
The fucker got fucked up!

What bullshit! How could I let this happen? Why did i even bother asking?
However do I try and recover? A word of caution, is enough to tear apart stuff! Why didn't I realise where it was taking me?

F.U.C.K!

This requires something I can't take. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!
Gotta go jump on the bed and scream into the pillow, I'm furious for not doing what i felt like doing!

Why does arrogance always have to triumph? Why does it lead to regret and remorse?
Did I start it? Why, oh why? FUCK man fuck.

Ya, fucked up day, fucked up self esteem, and fucked up energy.
Ive got no enthusiasm.

Where's my relief? Gotcha, the phone, nothing more motivating than a nice, long call.

Here I come, and here i go.

Rules.

It so happened that I decided to perform agnihotra yesterday.

Its a sort of puja one does to purify the air around oneself, just takes 10 minutes. Its supposed to be done at sunise and sunset only.

Mom chose a convenient time to tell me to log off the comp and do it. I've never been good with all this, im not that much into puring stuff into fire.

It felt wierd, like I was a sacrificial priest.

But it was a one of a kind experience.

HAs any one felt energy flowing through them? Vibrations? Warmth? Like theres someone whos hugging you?

It felt so ....so different, i was actually upset with my mom for making me get off the comp, but after that, i actually thanked her for making me do that.

I can't wait to do it again!!!!!!

Hope mom gives me another chance, she likes doiing it. I don't blame her, i like it too!

I happened to converse with my junior, and she was complaining about the state of certain "affairs" in school. Well , again, my advising self comes to the forefront, but , must admit, ive never faced a case like tis before, but , it turns out , my advice worked!!!

Well, that;s bcause ive gone through a lot too!
But that was a classic case!!!!Mine was pretty simple, it was obvious, the solution.

Just reminded me of all the stuff we used to do in the 7th, 8th, nd 9th grade.

Try as i might, i just cant seem to be able to type th i's in cap form , its just this involuntary thing which types them all in small!!!!

Stupid!!!

I had just viewed my classmates blog yesterday, he said i was toooooo active while blogging!!!
Ya , well, he's a big bookworm, can do a zillion things at once, but he could not finish reading my blog!!!! A big brain too, excels all the time!

I like his blog, nice sensible stuff, not the crapshit i type!

Again, i cannot type the i's in caps!!

Argh! What to do? What's goin on? humhumhum.....

There is a lot going on that i don't know of.
I can't know everything.

I have the choice. I can say no, i can say yes, i can listen to what i want to hear, and no to what i don't want to hear.

Simple.
Well, since my blog has led to tooooo many questions, I've decided to stop it here. I've decided to do something else.

There are better ways, and ive chosen them.

Call names

Well Mr G said that all the names over here were like call names, one never knew who i was referring to.

And from there arises a problem, since no1 knows who i refer to, except myself, there's always an inkling of doubt.

Well sometime ago, Mr M asked me who Mr M was - nd well, ya, there are tooooo many mr M's i know. I need to think of better names.

The wrong people think im referring to them, the right ones think im referring to someone else.
Maybe i should remove the anonymity.

No, i think it should be left as it is. Just to let people know that your blog, is not an open page,

Nor am i!

well , you are, kind of.

I can't believe i had a 3 hour long chat, with one of my most favourite ppl in the world,
Purely coincidental. He was free, and so was I

Why does every conversation start with a " wassup""?
It's a different wassa from different people, but dont people find it a bit too boring?

i sometimes do, no, actually, most of the time.

Ok fine , the other side of the argument could be, how else do we start?

Well it could be anything else, anyway else, a stupid satement, anything!!!!!

but ya, let ppl be themselves, let them do things the way they want to

There's this guy i know from pondicherry. He's watever you want in a normal guy, adding a bit of exuberance, and ummm a bit of lets say, hes a kleptomaniac.

And he drinks. Hes not a drunkard of course,but given the chance, he would drink.

Reminds me of quite a few ppl, i remmbr them suffering.I remember seeing them dead, dying, in the hospital. I remember so much. Thinking about that, mi grandad's deathday, comes this saturday. The day of my bio exam.

I don't know how my mother feels about it. I've seen her cry, I've cried, i loved and respected him so much. Its a pity he had to leave, leaving all my questions unanswered, i lost him. all because his liver couldnt take any more.

Ill miss him most on that day, and so will my mom.

Coming back, i was trying to make him understand that it wasnt good for him. It makes a big loss to a person's life. Ive known it. Ive seen it.

He just would not understand. Why do I keep butting my head against such brick walls?
Like my "master" said, just dont even bother, let them realise. Ill drop it.

Ive dropped it.

Mr M's supposed to be going away forever . He's leaving blore.

Well, can't say ill miss him, cant say that i'd forget him either.

Ill just never forget him, thats it.

Ive got to let him go. This is the end of the road, and whatever connection we had, is not meant to be. I have to let you go.

Wonder how though. Will all those "old man" nd "kiddo" IM's.

Ironic, he leaves the day my exams end. Too ironic.

But hell yes, ill always wish the best for you.

Gotta get a move on now!!!!
Im getting too senti!!

Thoughts.

A different view.

Well around 2 days ago, i was watching this lady talking to anothe about how to live a normal life. To listen to the signs, to watch where what was leading to ,and to think inward.

Well, the wa she said it made it seem so simple, and not like the high strung stuff i usually hear - like i have to try and give up all desires to attain the supreme.

Well, for a common individual like me, i don't find that fun, possible, or worth doing.


And when i heard this lady speak, about how, and why we should read the signs.
She took the example of traveling from one place to another. She asked, don't we stop by for petrol? In the same way, we must stop to see the fuel indicator to see where we stand.
If we don't stop to refuel the car, somewhere along the road, the car will stop, by itself.

Put yourself in the same case. If you don't pause, for just a minute and ponder about the direction of your actions, the journey is a little more than futile. If we don't pause, when we get exhausted and break down, we will have to go through a lot more to get back to the initial state of mind.

The same case with our thoughts and our impressions of people. The impressions of people are got through first, memories, outside information, and third, through beliefs.

Also, right now, the journey is taken as a race. A race to win. You compare your speed with thaat of your competitor, not cheking to see if you are comfortable with the speed at which you drive.

Its best to filter your thoughts, just pause for a minute and accept things to be the way they are.
Acceptance means that the mind should not be in a state of turmoil. Acceptance does not mean that that the situation is ok the way it is. That it cannot be changed. It can be.

Take for instance , the maid doesn't come one day. You have the choice to grumble and be grumpy that day or - you can accept that she hasnt come, and be a little less upset, when you have to do the housework all by yourself.

But in today's world, where people believe that anger is necessary, tension is natural , and that "i fight to win" is the motto of today, when did we allow these thoughts to enter our heads.

All we have do do is accept. The cycle goes like this - thought, action, memory, habit, experience, opportunity, destiny.

Here people say something, feel something else, and yet believe something else. We have all been conditioned to be actors, but we do no realise that we hurt ourselves more, first. How will the other person know we act? Say what you have to, but do ponder about what has to be said and done.

Well, i seem to have typed too much. Maybe all this has been said elsewhere, a thousand million billion times, but I understood this, Its like ive gone through life to apply myself to everything she said.

Acceptance. The first step to creating a better destiny.

Facts

Oh joy, seems again i'm all tongue tied.

Wish i knew the difference between where to stop and where to start

So, tomorrow's women's day, and we all plan to go out, and just .....go out. Nothing lavish, nothing great. just going out.

And being a family

The facts stand as below -

1)What people say is or can be very misleading. Very, for the simple reason that - eithr wat they say is not what they meant to say, or is not properly understood .Same with their actions, they can be very misleading.

2)Whatever happens, happens for a reason, if you weren't able to make it to school on time, it's for a reason. The only catch is that we don't kno what the reason is.

3)All the above is something that's called "words of wisdom"

I don't care about words of wisdom.
I need the truth. No vague answers.

that's another fact. I ask. I want answers.

Here i am, surrounded by nonsense, looking for that one grain of truth. I don't give a damn if it hurts or not, but i want it. Actually, it does matter if it hurts or not, but its better than reciprcating emotions for a downright lie.

I wish i was more than human.

So that i could understand what life's all about.

What death is. What we do after we die, what we become, what our mission is.

Mom says that, the fact that these questions arise from me is a very good sign. That i don't take what is around me for granted.

She's already advanced. Way beyond.

Shivaratri is one day, i ask all my questions to Shiva. After all, he destroys, so he would know the answer, and would also "destroy" mi questions.

I got answers, but all in a wierd way. Haven't yet figured out the meaning.

THIS BLOG POST IS B.O.R.I.N.G. BBBBBOOOOORRRRRIIIIINNNNNGGGG

i dint ask you to read it . Its sumthing i write what i think about.

Oh totally forgot, was chatting with my frieng , hes Mr G. A totally "careful" "caring" "carefree" guy.

We were tokin about a lot, which was when the topic of tru happiness, also known as "bliss" came up.
And my days were all not blissful. I complain, a lot, dammit. About the fluff in the world, and the stuff it hides.

He's a great motivator, can change a grin to an ear-to ear smile.
Thanks, mr G. i o u 1.

Daily tidbits ( only not that tasty)

Hi



Today was boring. I been struggling with my duvet, it went all squishy wishy in the cover, all side ways and tangled up!. So here is was, duvet over my shoulder tugging the bottom, gave up, threw it to the bed, and sat down all upset, hehehe. I did it in the end though, no help from anyone...aww :)



Today was kinda horrible. And i'm sleepy, have been waking up at 3am to go to the toilet, so, tonight i should be alright. I'm sitting here yawning and it's only 8 40 am!. Think i'll go off pc, and sleep a little bit :), but ya, who can, with d next bord xam, around the corner?



My writing is going great, i'm just pissed it all goes into romantic crap, i really can't be bothered anymore you know, i'm not that good any way, i dont write about smell, or how people look, or how they feel do i :(

Balls to them all newais, i had just gone to d market to get groceries nd stuff, which is when just in front of the crowded shop, my money fell. IT was all notes actually, so i thot it would all blow away.!!

I was so suprised. All the people around me there bent down to pick up watever had fallen and returned it to me. There was this one guy in particular , who had picked up quite a bit.

Every one knows the usual courtesy -"Thank you". But when i looked into his eyes, i saw something else. I saw them shining,( not with tears, thats stupid) but definetli, they lookd ablaze.

Honestly, its what do you call it, shyness or whatever,u kno to act more womanly, and shield your eyes from his gaze. I just couldn't stop looking. i wasnt staring, u kno, d gawking sorta thing,

Thats when he said - yea heres your money. Gow did you just let it slip off your hands like that?

I really dont know how it happened - is what i hear myself say.
Thank you

Your welcome - and there he goes, giving me a smile. i walked back home, wierd as tho it may seem, i felt ive seen him somewhere before, i know that face.

and now he knows mine.

It had its disadvantages though, i wasnt able to concentrate on finishing my least favorite chapter in physics - electrostatics.

And yes, ive finally found who i was looking for, a guy who was looking for me!!!
yipee..... it shud be YIPEEE!!!!

honestli, he was looking for me, but he dint know how, i knew where to find him, and i did. onli a bit too late, he might have lost it.

look at me - the way im typing- again, it went into men adn romantic crapshit ... i have no story lines, i just kinda gabble on till i run out of words.

stupid.

but yes, dad should be quizzing me soon

btw, for all those looking here for a more personal view of myself - YOU ARE NOT GOING TO GET IT HERE.

This is a blog. Not a profile page.

One of my friends said that people look at a blog to get the inside information about a person.
I think ppl get a lot of inside info about me from here, they either refuse to believe or they don't understand.

Thank you, mr M for letting me off the hook. I thot it was my fault. Im just letting you go. You can leave, No strings attached.