Tides and waves

I'm selfish, i guess. I've never really had that sort of an outburst, as in the last post.

Yesterday was a fiasco. Had gone to zazu's birthday. MEt up with some old friends, and we had a gala time, still, i really didn't have much fun. Something was missing. We drank, we ate, all that. Threw mousse cake at everyone, and took photos with our faces smeared with cream. That part was funny. Really felt happy then.

We wanted to plan a trip to wonder la, and turns out most of us wouldn't be free then. Me and zokra made some crappy gifts, putting some nonsense stuff and wrapping it with loads of newspaper to make it appear big. And the last gift was the actual one. zazu, me, zokra and gugo in a pic. And zokra modified our faces. My face had hair all over, excepting my eyes. But we looked sooooooo man-like. Nice gift.

I remember heading home, in the rain, feeling heady, thanks to all that drink. I remember flopping on the bed. And reading all the "love ya!" messages i'd got. How freely some people express love, i just can't seem to do so.

Wonder why i drank. I'm not a drinker. And the smell makes me sick. Mom was meditating. Bro was on the comp. That wasn't the welcome i expected.
Really feeling woozy, and after changing to dry clothes, i'd logged onto the computer, thinking i'd get some silence. I forgot, i'm a counsellor. People forget i'm a friend first, i'm here for support, i'm not here to keep giving you the answers.

The moment i logged onto chat, i'm bombarded, no heed to my plea for some silence. I don't blame them completely, i hardly ever get angry.

An alarming 14 people asking me what they should do. If there's one thing i don't want, i don't want to be an online counsellor. Cause by the time you make your point, your hands and eyes are physically exhausted.

I cracked underneath. I wanted to rn away from all this chaos. And that's when i remembered me telling my friend to be a fighter. And yea, i'm a fighter too. OF course i can fight. I'm a warrior.

I pushed them all away, didn't care what they felt. My bad. They're all kids. I needed to be with myself for sometime.

I'd met this lady on my flight while returning to b'lore fom mumbai. We really bonded. And she's who i talked to. 3 hours.

She understands me so perfectly. I was so amazed! I'd normally talk to my friends, but experience says they're not asvisors. "We're all here for suport, and we help, but give us a problem, and we'll help you find the solution, but we wont give it to you." I like that about them, they make me reliant, and more realistic.

The only woman i've talked my problems out with is my mom. But this time, i called this lady. And she did what she did best. She listened, she heard me out, she waited till all that anger came out. I like what she told me.

She told me how it felt to have a child come to her for help. And that's how it should be each time.
I'm re-reading chicken soup.

"How did your day go?" dad asks, as soon as he gets home.
"nanna irundhidhu, just not feeling like myself" i reply.
"Something wrong?" mom asks, across the dinner table.
Not really, not anymore. I'm fine. And so is the lady from the plane. Mom must never know about this...NOT!

That evening, dad decided that my grand's needed me. And thence sprouted a plan to send me there... i'd pleaded and pleaded. And finally i'm going by train. I'd wanted to go alone, but now, i'm going with a cousin.

I'm not looking forward to this trip. ohhh.....i hear you ask "WWWWHHHYYYYYY?"
It's pretty obvious.


Chat with Zula. Beep.

Back to front!

I was looking at the chatlogs...and my old blog posts. ANd boy, what a difference!

I used to be a lot more kiddish! literally, i've found so much of nonsense in all those chats, and blog posts. Absolute rubbish. I was trying to make some sense out of it, and couldn't. I was just wasting everyone's time. Now, it's so different.

Chat with the same person, only two years later. And the difference is so obvious. I was asking one of my pals about it yesterday, and he said the same thing. A sort of slow transformation. And he liked it!....HA

One of my other friends just didn't like the full hand typing..she said it was appearing formalish. I like this sort of change. It's not overnight. And there are people who say we taurians hate change.

Change can be by the second, by the minute or annually, it's just that we don't like drastic change too soon. It takes time for me to adapt to what's the new "normal".

I'm going to zokra's house for a sleepover today. I need to spend some time away from home. The monotony is getting very disturbing.
Will have to fit in a visit to school too. That's me, fit in things into the shortest available timespan.
So lazy!

Oh ya! i was talking to my junior too. She reminds me of this confused, crazy, intelligent and helpful girl. Actually, that's what she is! And she's damn hyper! A bit immature, if you ask me.
Who knows, i'm comparing her with the way i was...., there are so many worsos out there!
STUPIDOS!
I'm even helping out a 21 year old man! Everyone said i understand them completely, do i understand myslef completely?
Do they understand me? Do they want to?

And i'm counselor! Juniors seem to ask ME for advice! WHAT? i mean, when did i advertise myself? Mom gets very irritated when another kiddo calls " Yenna idhu? Yevlo calls vandhundeirrukanno? Thaaangala ! Tell them to call your mobile!!!"

I had a lot of online work to do, so quite a few hours spent online. And my eyes red. Everyday. And there's this cousin, whose asking me if i've just gone through a break up.

I've been through a lot of arguments lately. Mini ones though. Cat fights. Spitting, mewing, clawing, you get the idea.

I've begun to think differently about things. Also, all this counselling has roped me into more shit. It's different, talking to people influences in so many ways!

I'm now caught in a triangle( me being the centroid). Just don't know what the truth is anymore. Sometimes, logic and intution gives me an answer, but this time, i'm just least bothered. The answer lies before them. They'd see it even if they're blind. Stupidos.

Went to my friend's place yesterday. Had a lotta fun! CAtching up with each other, pranking silly people, and grooving to music, awesome day! She wrote in my scrapbook, finally!

I'm beginning to really dislike this guy. One moment he's all understanding, the next moment, he's an asshole, a big shithead. So self centred. I can't even knock him off... i've never seen such a concieted bastard. I hardly ever have such disgust for someone, but this time it's totally such a put off. What the hell does he think of himself? Some all intelligent, handsome, charming guy?

Maybe i'm just an ignorant bitch. Really want to pulp up his brain.
I think we've argued more than conversing. And to think i thought we'd be great pals. Fuckin' mistake. I should have never trusted him, believed in him, or been open. I should have slammed the door on his face.

Wierd, i've never really written like this before... well, just one nice thing. I liked his eyes, and his smile. Never saw what was underneath. No feelings. none at all. Why did he just screw my ass and just sit there laughing at the pain i went through?

Bastard. Son of a bitch. Note to self - Never talk to him again. You don't give a shit.

Was talking to him the other day, and he was talking about his ex. And the next moment, he's kissing me. kissing me. And after that, he's gone.

Now, looks like i need a counsellor. I need help. I need someone to talk to.

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Advertising - I dislike it. Regard it with utmost contempt. Actually, advertising isn't that bad...it's the methods and timings which suck.

Advertising your affection, all those TV ads, they make me sick. Advertising a company, a site, a toothpaste, and those damn creams, shampoos, and soaps.

The TV is for advertising. The ads just put me off when i see my favorite shows. And the same faces, Dhoni and his Tiger buiscuits, Shah rukh and his damn laptops and his DIsh TV, i'd like to dish him some dog shit. Even watching my favorite movies is so not nice. Pirated stuff rocks!

I've now taken up stiching. I need to find more interesting stuff to do. I just finished reading "A Thousand Splendid Suns" yesterday. Very touching. I'd recommend it for all those lost souls out there. There are so many explanations, you choose one which appeals most.

Somehow my friends don't share this joy in reading. OR writing. I know they all want to.
Listening to colors of the wind now. Made me go up to the terrace and feel the breeze, the smell of the earth, the tailorbird twittering away as it makes its nest. The nest looks so delicate!...and to see it moving it's beak up and down, with that long tail. It's mesmerising. I wish i was pocahontas. Someone without inhibitions. Someone so right.

Her character, and little mermaid, someone so hopelessly in love. And so willing to take risks. Sure, FB says, if i was a disney character, i'd be Ariel. I take risks, almost all the time, but i don't fiddle around with everything. Or everyone.

G finally messaged me. It's been a week. I hope he says he missed me.

Static.

I've got an entire list of things to do at home these days.... from cleaning my table, my cupboard, and my bookshelfs, and brushing up with my sanskrit. And i can't believe it, i don't understand so much! I don't remember.

It's been a long time since i blogged. It's hard to believe during my board exams i blogged almost everyday..and now, during my holidays, i don't. It's so ironic.

Suddenly i've got a passion for art, my room's filled with all my drawings. Mind you, i don't copy stuff, mine's original. I'm missing school. My uniform's still in the cupboard, waiting in vain. Even my friday shirt, with everyone's comments. I'm turning it into a pillow.... I put up the photos we took during school. When there's a power cut at home, i open up those scrapbooks, and all those gifts and letters, it's all so wonderful, thinking about how we have to get new lives.

People tell me i make friends easily, i'm open. But obviously, when i'm suddenly in a new environment my first instinct is to recoil. Sure, i'll smile, i'll talk, but that won't be the real me.

Problem is..i can't look at everyone equally, before they make an impression, they're already segregated into groups. Too bad for them.

Hostel! Hostel.... i'm only thinking of sleepovers.... we talk late into the night, or rather into the early morning. No studies!

I went to see TPTM with booble a week ago. We wanted to go to see JTYJN but it got sold out. DAMN! We had so much fun..... we payed for the usual seats and we went and sat in the gold class section. What plush seats, and awesome service! Basically, it was his treat to the movie, and i was supposed to treat him for lunch. I had a great time. And i ended up not wishing him on his birthday! Boy was he mad!

I had gone to my grandparents' place during the weekend. Me and dad had gone to attend one of my cousin's wedding. Somehow, the moment you enter Tamil Nadu, if you wear something other than a salwar or a saree, you have all eyes on you.

My granny wanted me to wear a saree. Not that i don't like them....but it's so hot there! i hate adjusting all those layers of fabric again and again, and i look like an aunty in them. I wore a skirt....and the aforementioned happened. I didn't know i had so many cousins! So many!
Chatting with them right now.

But the grannies and grandpas are irritating. Very. Everywhere, i can predict who is going to ask me which questions. HA suggested i keep a list and show it to a person who is about to ask me questions. Oh ya, grandma lectured me on showing respect. And acting like a lady.

And to stop asking questions, and take things as they are. No ma'am, that's not me. Besides, i don't think i ask irrelevant questions. Women, should be submissive, she says. That ain't gonna be the way i would want to be.

We also went to this thread ceremony, and that's when i met my cousins from my mom's side. And that was even better, i've never had so much fun at functions.

I've never eaten that much either.
Travelling by train is something. constant motion, noise, squeals, the porter, the beggars, the sellers, the pantry people, and, the toilet stink.

The scenery outside. It rained on our way back. I've never seen the sunlight passing through the clouds that way. It was so beautiful.

My grandparents are coming here later this month. I don't know how it's gonna be, i'm used to being alone at home. Soon, the TV will be on 24 x 7. I'd lose a lot of weight, going up and down the stairs.

Just downloaded some good music. Why do these songs have to be on this complex emotion called "love"? G said that once you define it, it loses it's meaning. I wont be able to sing these songs once they come. I'd be asked to shut up, or sing some classical shit.

I also miss M. It's been a long time since i talked to him. Gugo's call is due....
We plan to go outta town somewhere, the znzgzf. Maybe coorg, so that we'd have time to spend with us. f is going to stanford, zazu's in new horizon, zokra's in manipal for animation, nishi's not yet decided, and gugu's in jss, hopefully.

And yea, zazu's birhday is coming soon. Wonder where Opus is.

I spend quite a bit of time on the comp. A sad state of affairs, my hands don't want to clean up.

I think this is enough for now.

PS- i changed my blog's url, one of my friends suggested i give it the name mutetalkshow.
Somehow, i like that name. Unusual- that's me.