The Last Card

The past few months, I’ve been forced, literally, to understand the way a guy’s mind works. I read books, like He’s just not that into you, eleven minutes, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus,the Secret, Chicken soup, How to date,  How to break up, Female fantasies, etc. and watched almost every video on YouTube, with regards to dating a guy, breaking up with him, or even being in a relationship.

Of course, that’s all there is in theory. Practically, I’ve been with guys. Quite a few. Not that i’m boasting about it, but seriously, encounters, incidents, and all the bullshit that happens with them just makes me realise that the knowledge in all these books is so incomplete.

You can’t read books about dating and expect to hook up with the next guy you meet, (unless you’ve got beginner’s luck, and in that case, good for you!!), cause Newsflash!! You don’t know him, and you can’t judge him, and no, he doesn’t know you!

All these months, being on the social networks, and facing the real people of day to day life, sometimes, i wonder if i’ll ever figure out what is running in his mind. The guys who are interested in me. The guys who are not interested in me. The guys who i think are interested in me, but they don’t say it.

I think a lot, i know. But i’m human too. I want somebody, who cares about me too. Who isn’t just an idea, or a dream.

Books, tell you that you’re not the exception, you’re the RULE. Movies tell you that you could be the exception, not the rule. And you know what? I am through.

I am not going to analyse, or think about any of the shit that guys throw at me, cause honestly, I am sick and tired of wondering what to do to make them tick. And once, by some godforsaken miracle, they do, it’s like a totally different monster is in place.

Love is friendship, in a deeper sense. It’s like friendship increased in intensity. It’s not just some sexy moments, or some steamy words, it’s a lot more than that. Irrespective of distance, there is a warmth that comes from “hey, beautiful. I Love you”, than from “Hey sexy. I want you”

Call me what you want. Atleast i’ve experimented, and failed, miserably. But i atleast know what i’m not. Who i don’t want to be with. Who i still care about. Who real people are.

I always thought, that love was easiest to find, within a friend. I thought that for love to happen, there had to be some base, something concrete below. Maybe i’m wrong.

Cause right now, all i can think of is the way everything’s crumbling around me. All the connections, all the time, for nothing.

Who can tell what lies in store?

Yet again, i’ve learnt the hard way. Let people come, and don’t keep your hopes up that they will stay. Try your level best, and just forget about the outcome.

Who’s to say what the level best is, eh? Let me give you a case.(Names are changed, for obvious reasons)

Roshni met Sushant at a supermarket. He was ahead of her in the line at the checkout. Since she had a few items, and him a lot, he let her get ahead of the line. After she left, he noticed that she’d left her purse behind. So, he took a peek into it, and found no address, just a credit card, some cash, and a photo of her and some guy. Not even a telephone no. Till date, even he doesn’t know why, he stood there at that supermarket, every evening, hoping that she would come, for the next 4 months

She, on the other hand, came back once, after Sushant left, and the checkout people told her that the guy behind her took the wallet. She thought of him as a thief, reported the credit card missing, and promptly forgot about the purse.

Everyone who knew Sushant was telling him it was a waste of time, and at that time, so was i. Slowly, it began to sink in, that she wasn’t gonna come back there. On the day he decided to quit looking, she came. 

He gave her the wallet, had a few laughs about how crazy the entire thing was, and went on their own ways. Sushant was satisfied, that he gave it all he could.

And Roshni, believed that there is actually some good in this world.

What i’m trying to say is, the maximum effort you can put into something, is all that you can do. I’ve tried, and tried and tried to impress people, but i ended up getting disappointed, when i learnt that they don’t impress me at all. So that’s why I quit. I quit asking for answers. I quit asking questions.

I’m waiting.

And that, is the last card I’ve got to play. 

Black Hole?

Dear Pingu,

Thank you, for all the days we spent together.

• For all the times you woke me up, whistling (even though you knew i didn't like it).
• For all the times you listened to me ranting on and on and on.
• For all the times you wanted to be there.
• For all the times you did what i asked you to.
• For all the songs we shared.
• For making me realise that you are a hopeless romantic, and sometimes, romantically hopeless.
• For all the times you made me feel wanted.
• For teaching me, that sometimes, you just have to let life go on.
• For waiting for me every single time.
• For being my google guy.
• For all the times you told me you cared.
• For all the times you wanted me to be there.
• For trying to sing whenever i needed it.
• For telling me that i'm beautiful.
• For being my chaffeur.
• For making me do a LOT of crazy things.
• For being the bestest friend.
• For cracking your non-funny jokes.
• For spending the best and the worst moments together.
• For always backing me up.
• For all the times you got a 20% off on dominos' pizza.
• For the sugar and honey cornflakes breakfast.
• For all the extra oregano packets.
• For teaching me Kannada and Telugu - petteskunnavu anmata?
• For all the time spent shopping - not a remotely good experience.
• For teaching me about cars.
• For giving me a car to drive in. THE ALTO!
• For every video chat, every photo, every voice recording.
• For all the smiles, whenever i saw you.
• For all the cards (in which you would never write)
• For all the letters ( where writing more than a page for you was ABSOLUTE TORTURE)
• For handling my mood swings.
• For being friends with my people, my friends.
• For accepting my faults.
• For allowing yourself to be called wierd nicknames.
• For helping me stand, when i was high.
• For Valentine's day.
• For the famous gift - a bouquet of red roses and chocolates.
• For protecting me.
• For the Metro ride.
• For NFS on your computer.
• For fiddling with my computer, so that it ran smoothly.
• For making me realise that there is no one who can love me the way you do.
• For not making my hostel (jail) life even worse.
• For all the love you gave me.

For just being you. Thank you.

The list goes even further.

Look, I just wanted you to know, that this is just my way of saying Goodbye. It takes time for scars to heal, and it takes time to open up again.

I will always believe, that even though i had 3 amazing years with you, i could not avoid the truth. And nor could you.

I wished for the stars, not knowing i had the moon. Even though you're scarred, you're still close, and you will always be in my heart. I hope i don't regret the decision we've made.

As time passes by, I hope to not think of what could have been. And laugh at all that had happened. Times are tough, but i can make things work.

I bid adieu, to one friend, who has truly made a difference in me.

Goodbye.

The edge to everything

The internals are through... thank god.

You'd think 6 papers of a infinite seeming syllabus would never end, but it finally has.

I like learning... ruttafying is the most integral part of exams, and i don't like it.

This is the proud day I thought of a word lovulated... more or less, it means, strangulated, afflicted, or affected by love. :)

Today i got a not-so-kind comment to make my blog private. PRIVATE.

The funny part was, there was no reason.. this person just refused to give a reason. Obviously, it must be because i've mentioned something that was not in accordance to his/her wishes.

To whomsoever got offended, I DON'T CARE. This is a blog, and I haven't offended anyone with something vulgar, nor have i spoken about the things that are really personal or private.

My blog is a way of expressing MY opinions and is not framed to suit someone else's needs. I'm not here to write what you want to read, cause this is MY life, not yours.

Now that we've got that clear, i hope you'd know that my decision stands. My blog is not here to be private.

BAck to biz. I am gonna get a new phone!

Somehow, something just happens every year, and i have to replace my phone.. this time, the microphone of my phone seems to have stopped working, and hence, gives this really shrill noise when someone calls. Dad tried getting it repaired, but ended paying a lot for crappy service.

So, i gotta choose a mobile first. Seeing that the phones mostly used are touch screen and QUERTY types, both of which are my least favorites, there's not gonna be much choice.

On the study front, there's still a lot of backlog. Teachers are trying to speed up, piling up assignments, record submission, surprise tests, case sheets, and compilations on our heads. Time goes by like a blur.

Another lesson learnt the hard way - LEARN TO FEND FOR YOURSELF.

On the personal front, there's still enough of things which are going on. Friends are coming and going, sitting and standing. Same with Pingu.

I'm gonna get less concerned day by day. And then the day will come when i'm disconnected.

And break away.

Kudos to those who are single.

Good night fellas. There's a storm raging here.

SOmetimes things just happen

I suddenly feel like writing.

My exams just got over, and i'm at home.

There are times in my life, where i just sit and ponder about all the things going on around me.

Sometimes you hear my roommates screaming their heads off about some insect that just escaped from the sink, or you hear some people giggling out on the street about some funny thing the teacher did.

And then, you just feel so separate from all the things happening... like your not interested not are you interested. like a neutral being. And that’s the best time to just sit and do nothing.

When i looked back at the months that passed by, i can only see all the happiness life brought. I’d remember pain, but it all seems so dim, compared to the happy memories.

When i was in school, i used to resent evrything about my dad, and anything he did.

I didn’t hate him, i just didn’t like him a lot!

Looking at him now, everyday only brings more respect for him in my heart. I love him, and all the things he’s done for me, and every moment he’s tried to make my life as smooth as it could be.

I needed to see him in a different way, i guess. Looking at him struggling everyday, to see us all happy, and not even complaining about all the things he has to do, is all his love for us.

It took me a long time to see it, but there you are. I’m glad i’m not too late to respond to his open arms, just asking for me to be there.

YEsterday was Ganesh Chaturthi, and we had a satsang at home. No big event or anything, it was just the 6 of us. Mom, dad, Vin, Paati, me and Kalpana. I remembered how much dad would push me to sing, and how i’d hate him for that. Yesterday evening, when he closed his eyes, and was just listening to me sing, I know he felt good. I felt good. For once, i realy felt good singing before him. Where he wouldn’t comment on my pitch, or the tune, or where i faltered.

My dad has been with me. And in spite of all that i’ve done against him, in spite of all the pain i’ve caused, he still loves me. It takes a real person to love like that.

I’ve never been able to voice what i feel properly, and in writing, words just flow. For my parents’ anniversary, more than anything, i wanted to say, thank you, cause i’m grateful for having parents like you. You both are wonderful, and i couldn’t ask for more right now.

They’re coming soon to 25 years of marriage. And things aren’t the same. Mom’s somehow transitioned from teacher to student, my bro’s suddenly grown taller than me, but has STILL not given up on hugging me everytime he sees me. As for dad, he’s always the man who comes home tired and hungry, but doesn’t say a thing.

I can see the strain taking its toll on him, and i don’t argue as much as i used to, causei know where i got my sensitivity from. My dad’s every bit as emotional as i am, though he doesn’t show me.

I understand his feelings, sorta... Cause we’re more open now. I talk to him, laugh, and cry.

He’s my dad as much as he is my friend. When he’s sitting downstairs, wondering how to get rid of his back ache, the least i ccan do is atleast not leave him alone.

He was proud of me when i got the squirrel home. The way i took care of it, and worried about it was very heart warming, he said. I want to take care of my family. They are my responsibility, and i love them.

I want to make it up to you. I love you.