The Last Card

The past few months, I’ve been forced, literally, to understand the way a guy’s mind works. I read books, like He’s just not that into you, eleven minutes, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus,the Secret, Chicken soup, How to date,  How to break up, Female fantasies, etc. and watched almost every video on YouTube, with regards to dating a guy, breaking up with him, or even being in a relationship.

Of course, that’s all there is in theory. Practically, I’ve been with guys. Quite a few. Not that i’m boasting about it, but seriously, encounters, incidents, and all the bullshit that happens with them just makes me realise that the knowledge in all these books is so incomplete.

You can’t read books about dating and expect to hook up with the next guy you meet, (unless you’ve got beginner’s luck, and in that case, good for you!!), cause Newsflash!! You don’t know him, and you can’t judge him, and no, he doesn’t know you!

All these months, being on the social networks, and facing the real people of day to day life, sometimes, i wonder if i’ll ever figure out what is running in his mind. The guys who are interested in me. The guys who are not interested in me. The guys who i think are interested in me, but they don’t say it.

I think a lot, i know. But i’m human too. I want somebody, who cares about me too. Who isn’t just an idea, or a dream.

Books, tell you that you’re not the exception, you’re the RULE. Movies tell you that you could be the exception, not the rule. And you know what? I am through.

I am not going to analyse, or think about any of the shit that guys throw at me, cause honestly, I am sick and tired of wondering what to do to make them tick. And once, by some godforsaken miracle, they do, it’s like a totally different monster is in place.

Love is friendship, in a deeper sense. It’s like friendship increased in intensity. It’s not just some sexy moments, or some steamy words, it’s a lot more than that. Irrespective of distance, there is a warmth that comes from “hey, beautiful. I Love you”, than from “Hey sexy. I want you”

Call me what you want. Atleast i’ve experimented, and failed, miserably. But i atleast know what i’m not. Who i don’t want to be with. Who i still care about. Who real people are.

I always thought, that love was easiest to find, within a friend. I thought that for love to happen, there had to be some base, something concrete below. Maybe i’m wrong.

Cause right now, all i can think of is the way everything’s crumbling around me. All the connections, all the time, for nothing.

Who can tell what lies in store?

Yet again, i’ve learnt the hard way. Let people come, and don’t keep your hopes up that they will stay. Try your level best, and just forget about the outcome.

Who’s to say what the level best is, eh? Let me give you a case.(Names are changed, for obvious reasons)

Roshni met Sushant at a supermarket. He was ahead of her in the line at the checkout. Since she had a few items, and him a lot, he let her get ahead of the line. After she left, he noticed that she’d left her purse behind. So, he took a peek into it, and found no address, just a credit card, some cash, and a photo of her and some guy. Not even a telephone no. Till date, even he doesn’t know why, he stood there at that supermarket, every evening, hoping that she would come, for the next 4 months

She, on the other hand, came back once, after Sushant left, and the checkout people told her that the guy behind her took the wallet. She thought of him as a thief, reported the credit card missing, and promptly forgot about the purse.

Everyone who knew Sushant was telling him it was a waste of time, and at that time, so was i. Slowly, it began to sink in, that she wasn’t gonna come back there. On the day he decided to quit looking, she came. 

He gave her the wallet, had a few laughs about how crazy the entire thing was, and went on their own ways. Sushant was satisfied, that he gave it all he could.

And Roshni, believed that there is actually some good in this world.

What i’m trying to say is, the maximum effort you can put into something, is all that you can do. I’ve tried, and tried and tried to impress people, but i ended up getting disappointed, when i learnt that they don’t impress me at all. So that’s why I quit. I quit asking for answers. I quit asking questions.

I’m waiting.

And that, is the last card I’ve got to play.