SOmetimes things just happen

I suddenly feel like writing.

My exams just got over, and i'm at home.

There are times in my life, where i just sit and ponder about all the things going on around me.

Sometimes you hear my roommates screaming their heads off about some insect that just escaped from the sink, or you hear some people giggling out on the street about some funny thing the teacher did.

And then, you just feel so separate from all the things happening... like your not interested not are you interested. like a neutral being. And that’s the best time to just sit and do nothing.

When i looked back at the months that passed by, i can only see all the happiness life brought. I’d remember pain, but it all seems so dim, compared to the happy memories.

When i was in school, i used to resent evrything about my dad, and anything he did.

I didn’t hate him, i just didn’t like him a lot!

Looking at him now, everyday only brings more respect for him in my heart. I love him, and all the things he’s done for me, and every moment he’s tried to make my life as smooth as it could be.

I needed to see him in a different way, i guess. Looking at him struggling everyday, to see us all happy, and not even complaining about all the things he has to do, is all his love for us.

It took me a long time to see it, but there you are. I’m glad i’m not too late to respond to his open arms, just asking for me to be there.

YEsterday was Ganesh Chaturthi, and we had a satsang at home. No big event or anything, it was just the 6 of us. Mom, dad, Vin, Paati, me and Kalpana. I remembered how much dad would push me to sing, and how i’d hate him for that. Yesterday evening, when he closed his eyes, and was just listening to me sing, I know he felt good. I felt good. For once, i realy felt good singing before him. Where he wouldn’t comment on my pitch, or the tune, or where i faltered.

My dad has been with me. And in spite of all that i’ve done against him, in spite of all the pain i’ve caused, he still loves me. It takes a real person to love like that.

I’ve never been able to voice what i feel properly, and in writing, words just flow. For my parents’ anniversary, more than anything, i wanted to say, thank you, cause i’m grateful for having parents like you. You both are wonderful, and i couldn’t ask for more right now.

They’re coming soon to 25 years of marriage. And things aren’t the same. Mom’s somehow transitioned from teacher to student, my bro’s suddenly grown taller than me, but has STILL not given up on hugging me everytime he sees me. As for dad, he’s always the man who comes home tired and hungry, but doesn’t say a thing.

I can see the strain taking its toll on him, and i don’t argue as much as i used to, causei know where i got my sensitivity from. My dad’s every bit as emotional as i am, though he doesn’t show me.

I understand his feelings, sorta... Cause we’re more open now. I talk to him, laugh, and cry.

He’s my dad as much as he is my friend. When he’s sitting downstairs, wondering how to get rid of his back ache, the least i ccan do is atleast not leave him alone.

He was proud of me when i got the squirrel home. The way i took care of it, and worried about it was very heart warming, he said. I want to take care of my family. They are my responsibility, and i love them.

I want to make it up to you. I love you.

One of those days

I didn't eat food today. You're gonna think i'm dieting and stuff, but i'd prefer to call it as punishment.

I wonder what happened today. I'm disconnected from the world. No message brings me happiness, no call brings a smile on my face. Faking works...but for how long will i be like this?

You know what i really need right now? Some good company. Really good company. I miss my friends. THey're all so far away. Everything seems so distant.

I'm lost again. Mr. Sexually frustrated would ask me if i'm going through a PMS, but NO! that's not the case. Let's review the facts, shall we?

I've been like this since morning. What was out of the ordinary? Just no food. Mom was out. I Helped out with the chores. That's it right?

Things are just too messed up.

Also, there are some other things i've been wanting to decide on.

I'm tired of looking at the computer screen. Pingu was right. I'm getting bored of home. I wanna go back to college. Personally, i have a split thinking about this.

Right now, i'm saying i'm bored of home, cause there's nothing to do here, except what i've already done!!! Unless you're counting baking, gardening, and jumping off the roof.

I like it here. It's peaceful, if you turn a deaf ear to the construction work going on next door.

Nothings coming out. Writer's block. Sans Everything.

WTF

Saying it right.

I had my University viva the past week, and i really have to say, that period was really something. It wasn't just the viva.

I don't know how it happens to me, but i get these sudden bursts of negative energy.... or rather, i suddenly become downright unpleasant. Probably you're thinking that i keep in all the negative stuff, till at some point of time it just can't stay any longer... i wouldn't really agree with you on that.

I felt awful about everything. Lack of my favorite food, lack of enjoyment, the not being able to do anything right, and there was this sort of swarm of thoughts in my head which just wouldn't leave!!! I listened to music to try and block them, i tried reading stories, but every attempt at human communication only ended up in tears, some sort of vengeance, i wanted to destroy everything. Totally destructive.

ANd i screwed up.

Alohamora

finally found the list of songs i need to download.

Too much to do. Dad came up and asked why the internet was going so slow. Well, i didn't tell him i was downloading 50 items at the same time.:)

Tonight we're gonna go see a movie.

Mr Irritation called up today. And ate my head for half an hour. Kept talking about surat, and how she would never love a guy. and how he was the best, and how i needed an attitude makeover, and all his nonsense. I know what you're thinking. Why did i pick up his call? Cause i'd rejected it 14 times today.

Mr I is surat's friend, from UP. He's this guy who's crazy, obsessed, and talkative. Asks WAY TOO MANY questions, and soon you wonder why the hell this guy was born. Problem is, i'm surat's roommate. And he has my no. He'd call me up and ask me why he has feelings for her. WTF man, can the world knock some sense into his head???

He's not the only one behind her. Up2 says - if you ever look at your phone and see 20+ miss calls you know its from one of her friends. I agree with her.

It gets irritating. You expect a call for you, and many times you get calls asking for surat. WHat's wrong with surat's phone? It's permanently on silent. LOOOOOOng story.

I haven't told you about navaraathri, have i? And about the different things i got to know? I have an entire year to tell you about... oh god.

One thing that definetely happened was, i devoured Harry Potter 5, 6, 7. If any of you ask me ANYTHING (i really mean it) from the story part of those books, i'll have the answer to it.

Not like i'm a die hard fan of his, i just didn't have any other story book to read!!!!

I just watched Avatar today. It was awesomely fantastico!!!!(according to zokra) It came as a relief, to me. I've gotten tired of the love triangles, the true life stories, so it was like getting into another world. Which was so beautiful!! Amazing graphics, kudos to the crew, they really put up an awesome job. I've never really enjoyed loud noise, or firearms in movies. I find them really annoying. But this came as a fight i really wanted to see. Nature was so breathtaking..... so well done!!!!!

Anyways, i'm leaving back to the hostel on the 21st. Will miss home a lot. Comforts ahhhh!!

There was work involved too!!! If you think all i did was act like this pompous queen who demanded servitude, then you're dead wrong! Mom made me do so much house work!! Seriously, our maid chooses the perfect time to meet with an accident. The day i come home, she's hurt, and the day i leave, she comes back!!!! Is life being fair to me??? I don't think so

2009 was the year i had suddenly jumped from single, to being committed for an entire year!! Can you believe that!!! I am still in awe of the fact that i can still hold on to someone, or something, even though he's so far away, and not feel lonely. In my previous relationships, i used to feel so disappointed, with or without them, even though we were at the same place, same time. Funny.

Evolution of emotions, i guess. What i like the most is, My friends stand by me no matter what. No matter how many fights i've had, or how many times i've gotten temper tantrums, or how many times i just stay silent, i know they're with me.

Once, ponnu and chimpu had a fight. Well, it was a very big one, and when she came to the room, she was sobbing so badly, her dupatta was wet... anyways, point is, we tried consoling her, and finding out what the truth was. Ponnu and Chimpu are in love, you see, they've been a couple for more than a year now. And they pretty much, atleast once a week, have squabbles, fights, arguments, and say not nice stff to each other. I wouldn't say they're not mature, or anything. Chimpu's very understanding, just that when he's provoked, he becomes irascible, and downright unpleasant. And ponnu, picks the wrong ways to provoke him. What starts off as a joke ends as a huge issue.

So, what happens is, i'm usually the mediator between these two. Cause he trusts me implicitly, and she too. So when this fight happened, Chimpu wanted me to make her see sense. I ended up making them write letters to each other. It's a good idea, you know. Sometimes, things you can't say out are better said when you write them.

I probably thought i deserved a thank you. It never came. As soon as they patched up, they just became "fully absorbed" with one another. I just slunk away. I had Timpu to deal with. Seriously, he is a MANIAC! At times he's sweet, the next moment he pesters you and makes you go mad, he's typical vata. As of now, i hoped he stopped smoking, and drinking, but i learnt its not right to trust people all the time. That leads to crummble crumble snap crack pachaaaak!

He was a nutcase, look, i had to deal with this heartbroken couple, and with surat and with up1, who was driving me up the wall, and my teacher who was not-so-subtly telling me she wanted me to top. Timpu was not listening to what i was teaching him!!! I returned to the room in very low spirits.

Ernakulam was the only one there, and she'd asked me how the tutoring went. I don't remember what i said next, all i remember is i was crying, and she was sitting by me, telling me not to, and that here, the only way to survive was to fend for myself. To give myself top priority.

That's when i remembered what figgy had been trying to tell me all this time. That it's you who you have to care about. Cause if people wanna put you down, they wont stop. He'd been telling me to save my soft corner for other people.

That was sort of like a turning point for me. I decided not to be so interested in what was going on. If someone needed me, all you have to do s ask. I'm not gonna come to you asking you if you need me. And that's how things are. And always will be.

Ernakulam taught me sense that day. I like her.

Things at home weren't that good though. I remember yelling at my mom and dad cause all they could do was ask about studies & studies. Studies studies studies studies studies studies, it was only that. Oh , and rarely, they'd ask me how i am. Cmon, they're my parents! And i do say think you!!!

During my exams, they went to egypt. While i was slogging, they were out there llooking at mummies, tombs, temple's, pyramids, coral reefs, and enjoying. I felt crushed, to put it mildly.

Well, that part of the year was awful. I was depressed, i had to study, something i've been rebelling against since the age of 14, and many things weren't working out. Everyone wanted me to do work for them, teach them stuff, and i started thinking that it was just to make sure that i wouldn't get time to study on my own.. Well, one day, i jsut went up to the terrace, and i said," hey you up there, if you've got some sense, you'd tell these people to leave me alone. "

And that's when it came to me. I did wnat pingu did, Only, a amall modification. I barred calls, and went and studied on the terrace. It was peaceful. I liked the wind, the clouds, and most of all, silence.

There also, people who most annoy you, come under the pretext of studying and then go jabber jabber jabber... and that's when i told them, in a very non-polite manner, to shut up! Well, they listened!!! Point is, i had to try and stomp out people who kept stamping on me! Pimply was one such bitch.

Umm, i've been on an emotional rollercoaster lately. I've done a lot of things i thought i'd never do, like an "experiment" at home, or the dieting, or atleast trying to, the studying, the endless phonecalls, and ending of so many relationships. Bonds between me and people changed. When i thought i wouldn't become close to someone, i did! a perfect example would be timpu. When i thought i'd made lasting bonds with people, i was sadly mistaken. Up2 thought that i was a kid. If there's someone here who needed more learning than i did, it was her. I haven't fought with anyone as much as she has. Amongst our friends' circle, she and me have had the maximum fights. ( but we both love it)

When i look back, what majorly influenced me was music. Whenever i needed someone to understand, music was there.... it's like music's a person, right? but no.. it's just the way nature expresses itself i guess. I'm more into instrumental stuff now. I like it when there are no vocals, cause it gives me the space to explore what i feel.

"Do you, Graham Jones, take Samantha Jocelyn Tyler, to be your lawfully wedded wife? And do youi pledge to hold her...." runs in the background. My brother shouldn't be watching this.

Did i tell you i love fighting, as in, wrestling? the playing sort of wrestling? I do it all the time with my family, just not mom anymore, she's grown weak. ( and she tells me to behave like a girl)

I'm gonna be turning 20 this year!!!!! Can you believe it?

I need a big break from life. I want to feel how it is to not be myself. To live life from an observer's point of view. To just be able to watch and do nothing.

It's like the world wants only achievers. But of course.

see ya all folks!!!

Enclosure

I remember very little.

I'm listening to the song Only hope - It says by mandy moore, but i'm not too sure about that.

I love this song. It's slow, not many people would like it. It's those sort of songs you sing when you're alone, and you're singing in the night, when you're in the moonlight. It's emotional. When i listen to this, it's like i get goosebumps on the inside.

Try listening to it if you have time. Today, there was a solar eclipse. Supposedly the longest eclipse. This isn't gonna repeat for the next 1000+ years!!! Savvy!!!

It's my brother's Bday tomorrow. Dunno if he'll like the gift i've got for him. He's more of the kiddish little bro cum typical guy.

He has many faces, just as we all do. The face i get to see is explained as follows - He's friendly, occupying, sensitive, emotional, and yes, when provoked, his rages aren't easily controlled. He's into games, making stuff, and doesn't give a shit about girls. To me, he's open, and tells me stuff he hasn't told mom or dad. Obviously, that's how all siblings are. He's irritating. Eats my head just when i don't wanna be disturbed. ENOUGH ABOUT HIM!!!!

The first thing is, it's so bloody difficult to get a guy a gift. VERY DIFFICULT.

Everything that looks good for a guy is either expensive, or very rare, or he's already got it!

Hell. My brother falls in the same category. He has the games i wanted to buy, he wanted a memory card, it's already been given, and he doesn't use deo. ( I guess that's why guys' deo's are more advertised, guys hardly use deos!!! )

I don't like buying him clothes. Our styles are WAY different. The previous experiences are enough to show that.

Well, soon he'll be 15!!

At home, everything is fine. Dad's sitting on a call. Even though the day was spent at home, it was not a good day. Fought with up1, of all people. Keeping away from mom now. And her 'boyfriend'.

I don't know, what's going on. SOmetimes, even at home, i feel alien. Like i don't belong here. I'll talk about that later.... will ttyl!!!

Ayurveda

I need to say so much!!!!

I had my university exams from the 21st of december... till 7th. Needless to say, my Christmas was ruined, and New year's was a disappointment.

We have 10 papers.... and subjects - PV

- AH - SK - SR - sans -AI

Well, we had a day or two between the exams.... but yes, AH had no gap... wth 30 chaptes with shlokas and meanings.... within half a day... i knew i was gonna flunk it.

I totally screwed sr, aka, anatomy. It was a DISASTER. I remember looking at the paper telling myself not to cry, and that if i failed, it wasn't my fault, and this paper was beyond my ability.

One thing that i should point out is, even though my parents were vacationing in Egypt, they made it a point to call everyday, or whenever i wanted to talk to them. ISD calls everyday is not a joke, and i'm glad i've got parents like them. :))

SK went very well. Physiology is so easy.

ANyways, before the exam, a lot happened.. We went to manipal, we fought, we cried, we laughed a lot.

I've gone through a lot. Have i mentioned black beauty to you? In case i haven't he's a guy from kerala. He's my classmate, batchmate, whatever you wanna call it.

His story? He WAS( note the past tense) in love with surat. Or, rather, he was obsessed with her. And that's how we became friends. And enemies, and back to friends, and then to best friends.

He's peculiar. I'm gonna use Sanskrit terms here, i'm sorry, but nothing seems more accurate than sanskrit. I never thought i'd say Sanskrit is more expressive than any other language!!!

But it is! Sanskrit is wonderful! English might just say pain, but in sanskrit, there are so many words for the types and degrees of pain! It's beautiful!

Ah well, i'm not gonna be having sanskrit henceforth, so, arrivederci!!!

black beauty is a typical vata type, has a very fickle mind, and yes, is introverted. He's called kaaman, cause he's mostly seen with the other gals. Everyone likes him, cause he's sweet, and helpful. He's a nice guy, basically. Keeps his inner feelings all to himself, and it IS difficult to make him open up. It took him a long time to trust me. But in comparison, i guess i still don't trust him completely. I'd do anything to help him, bla bla bla, you know the lines...

There are a few moments i treasure so much when i was with him. Like when he began talking about his family, about his brother, his dreams, his ambitions, about the way he felt about so many things happening. When he used to tell me his secrets, it felt like there was a real person behind those black eyes.

And there i'd go again, falling into the same rut. Everything would happen just as i knew it would. He'd suddenly start acting more distant, and he'd say rude stuff, and i'd go bawl...

But now we know better, i guess. I like it when he calls just to say hi, and that he misses me. I learnt how to give without expecting. How to listen to silence. I love his eyes.

Enough bout him. Up next comes Chimpu!!! Well, where do i start? He's in love with my roommate, and whenever they have a fight(which is often) he'll start calling me, begging me to talk to her and explain, and to make her talk to him. Well, being a mediator is, okay fine, i'll do it, cause you're my friend, but don't drive me up the wall!!! Chimpu taught me patience. And to keep moving forwards.

You know, i love it at the hostel. I can do anything, and i needn't give any explanation.

I still have to learn how to forgive and forget... not yet happened. I might say that everyting's alright, but is it really?

How can i let go of the pain someone caused? just like that? Don't i have to make you pay? Doesn't the world teach tit for tat? Am i some sort of pillow you can just keep punching?

This post is leading me nowhere. What i need is a way to get through to people without hurting myself. I love people. Just being with them makes me happy.

A lot of things i've learnt along the way are malayalam, hindi, very very little kannada, and i've learnt how to get on with being on my own. Cause here, in the world, you gotta take care of yourself, cause there are loads of folks getting ready to dish the dirt on you.

I'm not saying i'm selfish, but i learnt how to not get too involved with anything or anyone, but to be aware of what's going on.

:) To realise all this, it took me months. Later, guys, i gotta go catch some sleep now!

HAppy SAnkranthi to you all!