At the CET counselling, i got into SSCASR. I was sooo thrilled!
It wasn't a dream come true or anything, but it was too good. I'd finally got a college i wanted, in my city, and with a course i wanted to do.
I was so happy, i jumped and laughed. got a lot of nasty looks though, big deal!!!
My entire family called up, and it was so nice to see all the concern. They were so happy.
I'm happy, i'm the first one to be a doctor, an ayurvedic doc.
That happiness wore out in a few days. And that's when zokra came online.
We'd fought before, and it was my fault, 100%. I never admitted defeat. i never had the humbleness to.
It was about my marks... I'd never wanted to be compared, i didn't know...it was like i'd had a fear of rejection. It was like i'd be demoralised. i felt that way. And we never spoke, for a few weeks, and i got used to her absence in my life, thinking it was the way it should be.
Thinking i was right. And i began to resent her, i began to hate her, for i couldn't let her go out of my life, we'd been best friends for too long. And one day she called. i still remember, i never picked up her calls, i still wasn't ready to talk to her.
And one day, i saw her online, and she asked me to come to her place, on such and such day. My entire self screamed no. I didn't want to face her. Was i feeling inferior?
And everything came back, remorse, regret, and i was feeling so dumped. And i don't know the turn of events, it was arranged that i stay at her place for a sleepover. I shortened the stay as much as i could, so it only included a night, and some part of the morning.
Needless to say, i was very apprehensive. I had to try and act natural. Or be natural.
I'm very adaptable, i can adapt to almost anything.
And here i was standing at her door, wondering if i really had to do this. I'd thought that, since i was going, might as well, clear up all the spats we'd had.
In i went, and i had a wonderful time, a really wonderful time. We had so much fun making dinner, and cooking the food, calling up someone at oo30 hrs, knowing she'd be asleep. Her grandmom picked up the phone and called us idiots. We didn't know whether to laugh or be angry!
We talked till late into the night. I picked up the nerve to apologise. And we sat talking about it all till the wee hours of the morning. I don't know if she forgave me, or if she's still angry or upset, but i know she understands, or atleast tries to. And she gives second chances.
I'd made up with her mom, and i'd apologised to my other friends too. I really wanted to start over again, so i'm happy i did it.
I'll try my best not to go into the same rut again. we'd had fun after that... we met a couple of times after that, with everyone else, and literall freaked out!!! i even got myself a tattoo!!
a unicorn. A movie and a sketch. So that i'd never forget what we shared. so that they'd never forget.
And i'll try.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Sunday, June 8, 2008
a monthful part two
Hey, that last post was long, didn't realise till one of my friends fell asleep on the keyboard reading it! How could i write so less about something that mattered so much!
No one had enough of time, or patience, or interest, to finish reading it, i suppose....
And that was the end of the ashram episode. The next day happened to be my 18th birthday.
It wasn't a big bash, but i celebrated it in a way, i never though was normal. My phone rang off the hook, and i felt so nice. Most of the people from the ashram called, even though i didn't tell them it was my birthday!
Midnight was the best time! got 5 calls consecutively!
ok, that may not mean much to whomsoever is reading this, but it is to me! The thought that 5 people actually wanted to be the first to wish me means a lot.
Being with my family on my birthday actually has a blessing in itself. In almost all of my other birthdays either i wasn't home, or one of my parent's weren't home, or something else always came up. But this time, it was in silent agreement, and my birthday was at home.
Mom made one of my favorite dishes, spaghetti with sauce, made just the way i like it, with garlic bread. I couldn't believe that once upon a time i went bonkers cause it was my 13th birthday!
I even wrote what and all i'd do on my 18th birthday! Nothing ever became reality.
Overall, a great day, and i felt great to be alive.
The ONLY thing that burst my bubble, was, after all the wishes came the "so what do you plan to do next?" question.
People do care....but why do those questions have to come when theyr'e the last thing i want on my mind?
We also had to pack, we were leaving that night to chennai, then kolkata, and then ahmedabad.
So, here ends this post, may14th
No one had enough of time, or patience, or interest, to finish reading it, i suppose....
And that was the end of the ashram episode. The next day happened to be my 18th birthday.
It wasn't a big bash, but i celebrated it in a way, i never though was normal. My phone rang off the hook, and i felt so nice. Most of the people from the ashram called, even though i didn't tell them it was my birthday!
Midnight was the best time! got 5 calls consecutively!
ok, that may not mean much to whomsoever is reading this, but it is to me! The thought that 5 people actually wanted to be the first to wish me means a lot.
Being with my family on my birthday actually has a blessing in itself. In almost all of my other birthdays either i wasn't home, or one of my parent's weren't home, or something else always came up. But this time, it was in silent agreement, and my birthday was at home.
Mom made one of my favorite dishes, spaghetti with sauce, made just the way i like it, with garlic bread. I couldn't believe that once upon a time i went bonkers cause it was my 13th birthday!
I even wrote what and all i'd do on my 18th birthday! Nothing ever became reality.
Overall, a great day, and i felt great to be alive.
The ONLY thing that burst my bubble, was, after all the wishes came the "so what do you plan to do next?" question.
People do care....but why do those questions have to come when theyr'e the last thing i want on my mind?
We also had to pack, we were leaving that night to chennai, then kolkata, and then ahmedabad.
So, here ends this post, may14th
Sunday, June 1, 2008
one monthful
i know , it's june , and i missed my writing therapy.
a lot happened last month, so much...
Amma and appa sent me and vin to the ashram, to do the Yes and YesII course. Needlessly said, taking the role of my brother's sitter, and having to go there without any known people going there, i tried my best to stop going there. My excuses ranged from - my coming birthday, to learning how to drive, to wanting to be alone, to wanting to be with my friends.
I was so apprehensive. I liked the ashram, and i liked doing the yes course there before. But then i didn't have my brother with me.
Not that it was his fault, but i needed someone to blame.
So there we went. And while registering, the girl before me had the same name as me! And we happened to be in the same room. So, we got acquainted. It turned out that her friends, around 6 more, were due to come from coimbatore. I was happy, thinking I'd have people to hang around with.
Our room was nice, we had space for two others. And so I and these people became friends.
And that's when things turned around. It was around that night - an older man had asked for help, he wanted someone who could speak telugu, and i asked them. One of them said yes and had unknowingly volunteered herself to be someone else's translator. Obviously, none of her friends were happy with me, and niether was she. Even though they faked smiles, i knew what was happening, atleast at that time. Even i wasn't happy with that, but what did everyone care? They needed someone to blame too.
And then my dear roommate decided to dump me and switch over to their rooms. Well, i accepted that, i thought she would want to be with them. Well, it was okay. And we talked, casually, but hell, i was still perturbed, it was obvious something was wrong, to me, it was a nice way of saying " we don't want you anymore".
And there were two more roommate's in my room. One from mumbai, and one from pune.
They were fun! We, were all 18 ( okay, i was almost 18) and we still had pillow fights, shared so many stories aobut our private lives, our similarities, differences, almost everything.
The nights there were sooo much fun! We used to stay up till three dancing jugs and stuff, and i loved it! The other "friends" had told me that one of my roommates was a baig slut. I figured otherwise. She was pretty nice and sweet.
Oh yes, my previous gang ignored me, as if they couldn't stand me. I was disgusted, but i had one advantage. I took time to meet others, and i widened my group of friends. I soon didn't have trouble walking with anyone.
The night before they brushed me off, i was in tears. I didn't know why i deserved all that flak. Mom always comes to the rescue then. She told me it was a cleansing process, and that i had to go on. And that's exactly waht i did.
I found different bits of me in different people. A girl who loved writing, someone clumsy, someone with pink cheeks, someone shy, it was like i was everywhere! Okay, that might sound dumb, but it felt that way.
It felt great to be with everyone. Shit, the guys know how to hog! Everytime i did seva, they took SOOOO much of food, and came back for two more servings! Doing the cutting, cleaning, sweeping, eating, and rushing back to the VM was tiring, but with a group of people, it was worth it.
I kept getting dirty looks from the old gang, but balls to them.
The first time we did SK during that course, i felt bliss, literally. Just truly happy, for no reason.
In the nights, me and the mumbai people used to get out of our rooms and chat together near the stairs with the other mumbai guys, have a nice time and get back. Boys were downstairs and girls above, so the stairs seemed the best option.
And if you're thinking that we were flirting...or making out, you're dead wrong! We just laughed and shared whatever happened. talked and talked about one of the most infamous teachers of all.
Until we got caught. One of the volunteers saw us, and well, big deal! we just said hello, and went back to our rooms! He didn't report us or anything, duuh...we weren't doing something sleazy..
We did suryanamaskars daily. Excruciating, boy i used to hate them, my knees, my tummy, my hands!!! arrgh!! almost 12 times each morning session! Atleast, that's all i could do! HE used to put on the "peacock dance" and we had to go along with the rythm. Around 40 suryanamaskars!!!
Forming bonds, learning new things everyday, that was how YES was. I was shocked, there were so many asking me for my no and email id !
And i finally got accustomed to the ragi kanji we got for breakfast, the walking up and down, the constant intake of water, and , oh yes, sans cellphone.
And that's how YESII began. This time, there were more people, few from hyderabad, few from bangalore, and most of the mumbai gang stayed behind.
The first day was almost like, a day to socialise, only not in a normal manner, we played different games and stuff, made wierd physical connections , gosh! it was sooo hilarious to see ourselves doing such stuff!
There was once, when we had to act mental, doing stuff we'd never ave done as normal human beings.
And that's when we met. Her name was P, and we just clicked. We rolled onto the grass, acted like drunkards, screamed out loud, did our soprano solos, danced like clumsy fools...and boy, i really let out all my energy into that!
Shit, we had so much in common..and so many dissimilarities, and the moment we greeted each other, it was like we've know each other for a long long time. We talked a lot, and, i'd finally found what i wanted , a true friend. Somehow, these friends always turn up at the ashram!
We went together, though we didn't stay in the same buildings, we always turned up in the same spot at the same time. She reminded me of zokra, it was like zokra was there with me all the time..... only thing, zokra hates aol. So, me and p talked about a lot, gossiped a lot, and i finally began to completely forget the entire "old gang" in my building.!
I'd made friends with an amazing, sentimental writer, and boy, she's talkative, once she gets into the mood, she was fun, and , it was like all her problems got dissolved once she did the course.
My favorite part of the course was all the different people I met. DOing kriya together, eating lunch together, doing seva together, yoga, dances and meditation, and just being blissfully happy after everything just made my course this time so memorable.
I completely forgot to mention the teachers!!!
We had the best combo of teachers...ever! we had arvind bhaiya, shreya didi, justin, amol, akaash, and a few others, and they made it superb!
the one thing that i remember the most is the hot seat. One of the most emotional experiences i had. i wasn't chosen, but i wanted to go! Seeing waht happened there i wanted it to happen to me.....i wanted to get cleaned on the inside too.
The next day was Guruji's birthday
And that night, around 10, we were asked to write down everything we despised, everything, with paper and pencil aplenty.
i wrote, i wrote, i wrote, i wrote. I wrote about everything. it was a sort of fierce determination, i wanted it all to get over.... but i couldn't write more than two pages.... and all around me people were on their 5th page.!!!
Later, in the night, we went to this helipad, a 15 minute walk from the ashram, and there we set
up a HUGE campfire, and we were asked to chuck our problems into the fire, and forget them forever. Nice symbolism, but how could I?
i shredded it, tore it, and i yelled as i threw it into the fire, and i felt so victorious, all of a sudden. So jubiliant. And it was over, literally, i didn't care what happened to them, i watched as the flames licked them down.
And I made my way back to the room, and waited till midnight, with the mumbai people, and then screamed out loud!!! (and woke everyone else up)
Mom had brought some of her famous chocolate cake a day before, and it was soon demolished by everyone!!! And what did i get? More orders for mom to make some more!!
We went for a walk, a sorta boy- girl boy- girl walk, and it was so damn sweet ( felt damn cosy, i daresay)
( here "we" refers to me, a few of the mumbai people, and my roommates)
And that's how YESII ended, photos, videos, phone no.s, email id's, a lot of names to remember, etc. etc. etc.
Oh did i tell you, the oldie people apologised!!! They actually talked to me, in private and said they were so damn sorry for ignoring me that way. mom was right, they did come back, and now we're great friends, having put the past behind us, and living in the present moment.
And there ends my Bangalore episode.....May 13th...
a lot happened last month, so much...
Amma and appa sent me and vin to the ashram, to do the Yes and YesII course. Needlessly said, taking the role of my brother's sitter, and having to go there without any known people going there, i tried my best to stop going there. My excuses ranged from - my coming birthday, to learning how to drive, to wanting to be alone, to wanting to be with my friends.
I was so apprehensive. I liked the ashram, and i liked doing the yes course there before. But then i didn't have my brother with me.
Not that it was his fault, but i needed someone to blame.
So there we went. And while registering, the girl before me had the same name as me! And we happened to be in the same room. So, we got acquainted. It turned out that her friends, around 6 more, were due to come from coimbatore. I was happy, thinking I'd have people to hang around with.
Our room was nice, we had space for two others. And so I and these people became friends.
And that's when things turned around. It was around that night - an older man had asked for help, he wanted someone who could speak telugu, and i asked them. One of them said yes and had unknowingly volunteered herself to be someone else's translator. Obviously, none of her friends were happy with me, and niether was she. Even though they faked smiles, i knew what was happening, atleast at that time. Even i wasn't happy with that, but what did everyone care? They needed someone to blame too.
And then my dear roommate decided to dump me and switch over to their rooms. Well, i accepted that, i thought she would want to be with them. Well, it was okay. And we talked, casually, but hell, i was still perturbed, it was obvious something was wrong, to me, it was a nice way of saying " we don't want you anymore".
And there were two more roommate's in my room. One from mumbai, and one from pune.
They were fun! We, were all 18 ( okay, i was almost 18) and we still had pillow fights, shared so many stories aobut our private lives, our similarities, differences, almost everything.
The nights there were sooo much fun! We used to stay up till three dancing jugs and stuff, and i loved it! The other "friends" had told me that one of my roommates was a baig slut. I figured otherwise. She was pretty nice and sweet.
Oh yes, my previous gang ignored me, as if they couldn't stand me. I was disgusted, but i had one advantage. I took time to meet others, and i widened my group of friends. I soon didn't have trouble walking with anyone.
The night before they brushed me off, i was in tears. I didn't know why i deserved all that flak. Mom always comes to the rescue then. She told me it was a cleansing process, and that i had to go on. And that's exactly waht i did.
I found different bits of me in different people. A girl who loved writing, someone clumsy, someone with pink cheeks, someone shy, it was like i was everywhere! Okay, that might sound dumb, but it felt that way.
It felt great to be with everyone. Shit, the guys know how to hog! Everytime i did seva, they took SOOOO much of food, and came back for two more servings! Doing the cutting, cleaning, sweeping, eating, and rushing back to the VM was tiring, but with a group of people, it was worth it.
I kept getting dirty looks from the old gang, but balls to them.
The first time we did SK during that course, i felt bliss, literally. Just truly happy, for no reason.
In the nights, me and the mumbai people used to get out of our rooms and chat together near the stairs with the other mumbai guys, have a nice time and get back. Boys were downstairs and girls above, so the stairs seemed the best option.
And if you're thinking that we were flirting...or making out, you're dead wrong! We just laughed and shared whatever happened. talked and talked about one of the most infamous teachers of all.
Until we got caught. One of the volunteers saw us, and well, big deal! we just said hello, and went back to our rooms! He didn't report us or anything, duuh...we weren't doing something sleazy..
We did suryanamaskars daily. Excruciating, boy i used to hate them, my knees, my tummy, my hands!!! arrgh!! almost 12 times each morning session! Atleast, that's all i could do! HE used to put on the "peacock dance" and we had to go along with the rythm. Around 40 suryanamaskars!!!
Forming bonds, learning new things everyday, that was how YES was. I was shocked, there were so many asking me for my no and email id !
And i finally got accustomed to the ragi kanji we got for breakfast, the walking up and down, the constant intake of water, and , oh yes, sans cellphone.
And that's how YESII began. This time, there were more people, few from hyderabad, few from bangalore, and most of the mumbai gang stayed behind.
The first day was almost like, a day to socialise, only not in a normal manner, we played different games and stuff, made wierd physical connections , gosh! it was sooo hilarious to see ourselves doing such stuff!
There was once, when we had to act mental, doing stuff we'd never ave done as normal human beings.
And that's when we met. Her name was P, and we just clicked. We rolled onto the grass, acted like drunkards, screamed out loud, did our soprano solos, danced like clumsy fools...and boy, i really let out all my energy into that!
Shit, we had so much in common..and so many dissimilarities, and the moment we greeted each other, it was like we've know each other for a long long time. We talked a lot, and, i'd finally found what i wanted , a true friend. Somehow, these friends always turn up at the ashram!
We went together, though we didn't stay in the same buildings, we always turned up in the same spot at the same time. She reminded me of zokra, it was like zokra was there with me all the time..... only thing, zokra hates aol. So, me and p talked about a lot, gossiped a lot, and i finally began to completely forget the entire "old gang" in my building.!
I'd made friends with an amazing, sentimental writer, and boy, she's talkative, once she gets into the mood, she was fun, and , it was like all her problems got dissolved once she did the course.
My favorite part of the course was all the different people I met. DOing kriya together, eating lunch together, doing seva together, yoga, dances and meditation, and just being blissfully happy after everything just made my course this time so memorable.
I completely forgot to mention the teachers!!!
We had the best combo of teachers...ever! we had arvind bhaiya, shreya didi, justin, amol, akaash, and a few others, and they made it superb!
the one thing that i remember the most is the hot seat. One of the most emotional experiences i had. i wasn't chosen, but i wanted to go! Seeing waht happened there i wanted it to happen to me.....i wanted to get cleaned on the inside too.
The next day was Guruji's birthday
And that night, around 10, we were asked to write down everything we despised, everything, with paper and pencil aplenty.
i wrote, i wrote, i wrote, i wrote. I wrote about everything. it was a sort of fierce determination, i wanted it all to get over.... but i couldn't write more than two pages.... and all around me people were on their 5th page.!!!
Later, in the night, we went to this helipad, a 15 minute walk from the ashram, and there we set
up a HUGE campfire, and we were asked to chuck our problems into the fire, and forget them forever. Nice symbolism, but how could I?
i shredded it, tore it, and i yelled as i threw it into the fire, and i felt so victorious, all of a sudden. So jubiliant. And it was over, literally, i didn't care what happened to them, i watched as the flames licked them down.
And I made my way back to the room, and waited till midnight, with the mumbai people, and then screamed out loud!!! (and woke everyone else up)
Mom had brought some of her famous chocolate cake a day before, and it was soon demolished by everyone!!! And what did i get? More orders for mom to make some more!!
We went for a walk, a sorta boy- girl boy- girl walk, and it was so damn sweet ( felt damn cosy, i daresay)
( here "we" refers to me, a few of the mumbai people, and my roommates)
And that's how YESII ended, photos, videos, phone no.s, email id's, a lot of names to remember, etc. etc. etc.
Oh did i tell you, the oldie people apologised!!! They actually talked to me, in private and said they were so damn sorry for ignoring me that way. mom was right, they did come back, and now we're great friends, having put the past behind us, and living in the present moment.
And there ends my Bangalore episode.....May 13th...
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